


Will You Remember Me?

by shellygurumi



Series: Remember Me Verse [1]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Amnesia, Angst, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Work In Progress
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-11-21
Updated: 2012-11-21
Packaged: 2017-11-19 04:10:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 22,159
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/568930
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shellygurumi/pseuds/shellygurumi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean suffers from amnesia after being injured in a car accident. When he woke up in the hospital, he couldn't remember the last several years of his life. Most importantly, he couldn't remember Castiel.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Cas nearly ran down the hospital hallway. The call came in while he was at work and he left the office in a heartbeat, speeding to the hospital. The ladies at the front desk had been helpful enough, telling him which room Dean was in, but he couldn’t get there fast enough. Dread washed through him as he came up to the room and saw Dean through the window, cuts on his face, tubes in his mouth and nose.

An orderly was standing at the doorway and a doctor stood beside Dean’s bed. As Cas walked in, the orderly stopped him with an arm across Cas’ chest saying, “Family only!”

“I am family! I’m — he’d be my husband if the damned state would allow it.”

The orderly glanced at the doctor, who nodded, then let Cas in. He moved straight to Dean’s side and took up his hand, squeezing it briefly. Dean was asleep for the moment, so he looked up to the doctor.

“How is he?”

“Not good. He got hit in the head pretty bad. He’ll be okay, but we have to wait until he wakes up to find out how much damage was done.”

Cas turned his attention back to Dean and squeezed his hand, willing everything to be okay. Wishing he could just make it all better. Then, like a miracle, Dean opened his eyes. It was slow at first, a little fluttering, then he was awake and looking around.

First his eyes traveled to the hands holding his, then up to Cas, then over to the doctor. Once the tube was removed from his throat, he coughed and choked out, “Where am I?”

“Lakeview Hospital,” The doctor answered. “You’ve been in an accident. You’re stable now, do you know your name?”

Dean blinked, then nodded, “Yeah, Dean… Dean Winchester.”

“Do you know what year it is?”

“Uh…” Dean thought for a moment, glancing around again. His eyes kept coming back to the guy holding his hand. “No…”

Cas held his breath and looked at the doctor, afraid.

“You may have suffered some amnesia. It’s alright, it’s not uncommon, and in many cases memories come back with time.”

“Where’s Sammy? Is he alright? He wasn’t in the car, was he?”

“No, Dean… Sam is in California. At Stanford,” Cas answered.

“Sammy got into Stanford?” His eyes lit up for a moment.

“Dean… he’s going to graduate this year. You… have no idea who I am, then…” Cas was finding it hard to breathe, like he had been punched in the gut.

Dean blinked and shook his head, “No I… I don’t… remember you.”

Cas dropped to his knees beside the bed, still clinging to Dean’s hand in both of his. He watched Dean for a moment, then looked away, closing his eyes and taking a slow, broken breath.

“I… I’m sorry…” And, as if by its own volition, a tear trickled down Dean’s cheek. He felt his heart clench, seeing this man he knew nothing about in so much pain. But he had no memories of who he was or why it hurt so bad. “I’m really sorry.”

“I’ll give you two a moment,” the doctor was frowning when Cas looked up to him. “I’ll be back to run some tests in a little while. And remember, memories can come back.”

“Thank you, doctor,” Cas had to swallow back his emotions before he could find his voice. He remained silent as the doctor walked out, unable to look at Dean and see his eyes, eyes that didn't know him anymore.

Dean never could handle those long, uncomfortable silences. He always had to fill them with something. That much remained true now, as the silence stretched out between them.

“So... Sammy’s at Stanford... Graduating this year.”

“Yes. He’s already been accepted to law school, he starts in the fall.” Cas watched their hands, his thumb brushing over the back of Dean’s hand. He tried not to let it hurt when he saw the way Dean’s fingers twitched, as if he wanted to pull away but wouldn't.

“Good for him. Yeah, always knew that kid could do it.” Dean waited for Cas to say something, but he didn't know what to say. The silence drew out between them again, and once again, Dean had to fill it with something. “So, uhm... this is awkward, but, uh, who are-- er, what’s your name?”

He had to do it; Cas had to finally look at Dean’s eyes. He had to accept that lack of recognition. “My name is Castiel.”

“Castiel?” Dean’s voice sounded like it did the very first time Cas introduced himself. Not like the hundreds of times since then that he’d said it with love, affection, anger, worry, all the emotions you share with a person you've been living with for so many years.

“Yes,” Cas didn't know what to say to Dean or how to proceed.

“So I’m guessing you and me... we’re like...” He shrugged, as if unsure what to call it, and looked at their hands as an indication.

“Yes... we are... we have been in a relationship for the last three and a half years.”

“Man, I wish I remembered...” There was deep sympathy in Dean’s eyes and Cas could tell he really meant that, which only made it hurt more.

“It isn’t your fault, Dean.” Cas squeezed Dean’s hand.

“Do we live together?”

“Yes, in a small, one story house.”

“We’re still in Kansas, right? The doctor said we’re at Lakeview?”

“Yes.”

“What, uh, what else should I know?”

Cas nearly laughed, “Everything?” He shook his head, then closed his eyes, feeling the threat of tears. Clearing his throat, Cas tried for a more useful answer. “We have a dog, you named him Angus... after Angus Young.”

Dean laughed and smiled that stupidly adorable smile of his, “Yeah, that sounds like something I would do. What kind of dog is he?”

“Yellow lab, about two years old.”

“Am I still working at the shop?”

“You own it, actually. When Eddie retired, he gave the shop to you because you put in more time, love, energy, sweat and blood than anyone else.”

Dean looked flabbergasted, “He just gave me the shop?”

“Well, he sold it to you for a dollar, for legal purposes, but yes. It happened at his retirement party, which we hosted. You may have cried, I may have pretended not to notice.”

To that, Dean just nodded, where Cas expected him to laugh. This was the Dean he knew before they got to know each other, before they fell in love, before they made their life together.

“You have been owner for just under a year... I should call them and let them know what happened... I’ll call Sam as well, of course. I’ll take care of everything.”

“No, uh, you... don’t have to do that. I mean, I can call everyone, the guys at the shop, Sammy, my parents.”

Cas sucked in a short breath at the mention of Dean’s parents, “No, it’s no trouble. Really. You don’t remember, I know, but we... are like family, Dean. This is something they would all expect me to do.”

“Oh... okay.” Dean looked uncomfortable and Cas was having trouble dealing with it.

“I think I’ll go give Sam a call... he’d want to know what happened. And I’ll see if I can find out the condition of the Impala after the accident.” It was a cheap tactic, but Cas knew that would distract Dean. “Would you like me to bring you anything when I come back? Ice or water or anything?”

“A beer would be great,” Dean sighed.

“I think they might frown on that here,” Cas gave a sideways smile.

“I’ll settle for good news about the Impala, then. Please tell me my baby is okay.”

“I hope to, Dean. I really hope to.” Cas gave Dean’s hand one last squeeze, then escaped the hospital room. When he got part way down the hall, he stopped and leaned against a wall. He closed his eyes and lifted both hands to wash over his face, discovering his cheeks were wet from tears that must have fallen against his will. After a few ragged breaths, Cas regained his composure and ran his hands back through his hair. He had to be strong now, for Dean, but he prayed to God that those memories would come back.

The first thing Cas did was call Sam to explain the problem.

“He’s alright other than the memory loss?”

“He’s fine.”

“I am so, so sorry, Cas. I can’t imagine what you must be going through,” Sam’s voice was full of sympathy.

“It is decidedly unpleasant,” Cas said with a bit of a laugh. “He didn’t even remember my name.”

“He’ll remember you, Cas, he has to... and if not, he’ll fall in love with you again, just like he did the first time. You two were made for each other.”

“Thank you, Sam. It means a lot to hear that.”

“Man, I wish I could give you a hug. You sound like you could really use one,” Sam sounded sweet and earnest and Cas laughed. “Semester is over in a week, I’ll fly out there as soon as it’s done.

“Sam, you have graduation.”

“Dean is more important,” Sam said, without missing a beat. “And so are you. You don’t have to deal with this alone.”

“Thank you,” Cas wiped more betraying tears from his eyes.

They talked for a moment longer, Cas giving Sam details of everything that was going on, until Cas hung up so he could find someone to explain more about the crash and what happened to the Impala. A nurse directed him to the cop that had interviewed the EMTs at the scene of the accident. He discovered that the Impala was banged up pretty bad, but was still running. It was in a lot at the police station. Apparently Dean had gotten sideswiped by an SUV; the Impala was run into a curb and rolled once. It was upside down when the medical team arrived and Dean had been unconscious.

Cas explained to the officer that Dean couldn’t remember anything from the past several years and that he wouldn’t be of much use to the investigation, but the cop assured him that it was a pretty cut and dried case and not to worry. They exchanged contact information and Cas thanked the officer before he left. Talking to the guys at the shop could wait until business hours and Sam was calling everyone else for Cas, so he didn’t have to deal with that on top of everything else.

Now it was time to face the music. He had to go back to Dean’s room and decide how to proceed from here. Eventually they would have to leave the hospital and the only place they both had to go was back to the home they shared. Somehow, he would have to convince the man he would marry to fall in love with him again. At least he had an idea of where to start.

* * *

When Cas arrived at the room, the doctors were checking up on Dean, taking his temperature and blood pressure, marking things on charts, asking questions. Cas waited just outside the door until they were finished, not wanting to interrupt. On the way out, the doctor paused to talk to him.

“It looks like he’ll be alright, physically. We’ll be discharging him in a few hours once the paperwork is taken care of. Will you be able to take him home?”

Cas looked over at Dean, then back to the doctor with a bittersweet smile, “If he agrees to go with me, yes.”

The doctor looked sympathetic and set a hand on Cas’ shoulder. “Try to be optimistic. Many times memories come back when amnesic patients are surrounded by their old life, friends, photos.”

“But not in all cases... There is still a chance he won’t ever remember his life with me, isn’t there?” Cas didn’t want to be a pessimist, but he had to be realistic about all possibilities.

“Yes, there is still a chance of that. But even in those cases, couples still manage to have a happy life together. Be positive, for him and for yourself.” The doctor squeezed Cas’ shoulder, told him that they should come back in a week or so for a check up, then left him alone in the hallway.

It was time to go into the room and Cas was armed this time. Armed with ammunition that might actually work on Dean.

“Hey, uhm... Cas.” Dean said, at least recognizing him from earlier. It meant a lot that Dean managed to choose the same nickname, but Dean had called him that from just about day one, anyway.

“Hello, Dean.” Rather than invading Dean’s personal space again, Cas chose to pull a chair up to the side of the bed and sat there. “I have good news.”

“My baby? Is she alright?” Dean sat upright in the hospital bed, eyes aglow with excitement.

“Actually, I was going to say you get to leave in a few hours, but yes, I’ve got news of the Impala. She isn’t in good shape, but she is still running. The car flipped, so it’s probably badly scratched up and there is likely a rather large dent in the side. It will take work to fix.”

“Work I can do. As long as no one scrapped my baby! Leaving in a few hours just means I can get to work that much sooner.”

“You should probably rest first, but I will make arrangements for the Impala to be brought to the house so you can start soon.”

“Thanks, Cas.” Dean smiled at him and it nearly took Castiel's breath away. It was the smile he always wore when Cas made him happy.

“Of course,” Cas nodded, managing a smile. “I have something else for you.”

“More news?”

“No. Something a little better...” He stood and pulled the rolling tray table over and positioned it above Dean’s lap. From a bag he had kept hidden, Cas pulled out a container and set it on the table before Dean along with a small plastic fork.

“Oh man, is this what I think it is?” Dean’s eyes were as big as a child’s.

“Cherry pie, from your favorite bakery,” Cas nodded.

“Wow, you really know me!” Dean opened the container and started eating right away.

“Yes, I would say I do. I know you very well.” Cas took his seat and just watched Dean delight in eating his pie. He hoped this would be a good start towards winning him over. The last time he had to woo Dean Winchester was over three years ago.

~ ~ ~

_The stupid piece of crap car had broken down so bad that Cas was pushing it towards the repair shop. He had it in neutral and a random guy who stopped on the road gave him a hand. When they arrived, he thanked him, parked the car and staggered into the shop’s main office. There he met a young man in a mechanic suit covered in grease. His hair was spiked, his eyes were green, and had a smudge of grease on his cheek._

_Cas squinted at the name embroidered on the man’s suit, then looked up to his eyes, “Hello, Dean. My car seems to hate me.”_

_“Aw, cars only hate people who treat them bad. Let’s take a looksee what’s going on?” He was grinning with perfect teeth and dimples in his cheeks. If Cas hadn’t been so exhausted from pushing the car half a mile, he might have found the guy cute._

_They walked out to the car and Dean popped the hood, taking a look inside, “What happened before it died?”_

_“Not much. I was driving down the road, then all of a sudden it made this tick-tick sound, then the whole thing just turned off. It nearly caused an accident.”_

_“Well, I’ll have to test a few things and see what’s going on.” He looked over at the open bays in the shop, all of which had cars in them. “Might take a while, though, we’re busy today.”_

_“Well, I guess I’ll just... wait here then. _”__

_“Suit yourself, buddy. Waiting room’s just through there. Eddie’s inside there, he’ll get your paperwork written up.”_

_“Thanks.” Cas headed into the waiting room and to talk to Eddie, but glanced back over his shoulder at Dean one last time before he walked through the door._

~ ~ ~

“Sam is nearly finished with his semester and will fly over in about a week.”

“Yeah?” Dean answered around a mouthful of pie and Cas had to stop himself before reprimanding him for it.

“Yes. Depending on, well, many things, he may stay at our house. We both think him being around will be helpful for you.”

“Sounds good. I guess he can fill me in on this whole college thing I missed-- or, forgot, rather.”

Cas nodded. Once again silence filled the space between them. Cas couldn’t figure out what to say to Dean, so once again, Dean had to fill the gap.

“This pie is really great. It’s definitely the next best thing after a beer.”

“We have beer at the house.”

“Okay, cool... That’s good.”

“I’m glad you enjoy the pie. I... hoped it would help.” In more ways than one, really. Though if Cas was honest with himself, he hoped it helped Dean like him more than anything.

They continued talking about nothing in particular. Cas was able to control his emotions a little better while they were still in the hospital, but worried about what would happen when they got home. After nearly an hour, the doctor came in and said he was able to go.

* * *

It took all of fifteen minutes for Dean and Cas to arrive at the small house they shared. Dean looked out the window of Cas’ car with a mixed expression as they drove up. It was simultaneously curious, happy and confused. Though modest, their house was well kept. The grass was green and nicely cut, a few flowers placed against the side of the house. The front porch was little more than a covered patio, but it was decorated in a homey way.

When they got out of the car and the doors slammed shut, Angus began barking from the back yard. He ran over to the small bit of chain-link fence that could be seen from the front of the house and stood up on his back legs. He barked wildly, happy, welcoming his masters home. Dean smiled at the sight but didn’t go straight to him the way he normally would.

“Hey Angus!” Cas called, leaving Dean’s side to walk to the dog. He reached over the fence and rubbed the top of Angus’ head, smiling. “Have you been good? You ready to come inside? Go on around, we’ll let you in.” He pointed in the direction of the back door.

Angus didn’t run though, he leaned to the side to look at Dean past Cas and whined.

“Oh just go in already. He’s not ignoring you, you big baby.” The dog whined once more, then went to the door when Cas gave him a gentle push in that direction. Castiel made way up the two steps to the porch, pulling his keys out of the pocket of his trench coat. “Come on, Dean. This is your home.”

Shaken from his stupor, Dean finally left the side of the car and followed Cas inside. He kept looking around at everything in awe. Cas imagined it must be like walking into a house someone gave you, like on a home redecoration TV show or something. Only this one was filled with memories that probably felt artificial. Dean walked slowly through the unfamiliar house, staring at the furniture, the blanket on the back of the couch, everything on the walls, the ceilings. Cas had to look away, moving to the back door by the kitchen to let Angus in.

The dog came bounding through the house and over to Dean, putting his head against Dean’s leg in his usual “pet me, pet me” greeting. Dean easily obliged, crouching down and rubbing the dog’s head saying, “Hey boy, hey there!” It was artificial, though, the way Dean spoke to all dogs he didn’t know. Angus was pleased with the attention, nonetheless.

“So, that’s Angus. He is in love with you, as you can see. You should probably try to give him lots of attention, or else you might break his heart or something.” Cas didn’t expect the swell of emotion that sentence brought. Hitting a little too close to home. He cleared his throat. “We keep treats in a jar in the kitchen. Just don’t give him too many, and try to only do it if he follows a command, like sit or something.”

“Treats in the kitchen, got it.” Dean nodded, without even looking at Cas, and continued petting the dog.

Cas chose to go put food out for Angus. Controlling his own heartache was going to be very difficult if this sort of thing continued. Which he knew it would. At the sound of food being poured, Angus came flying into the kitchen and after Cas filled his water bowl too, he headed back out into the living room to find Dean.

He was standing there, holding a framed picture he picked up off a shelf. Without a closer look, Cas could tell it was a photograph of them taken from a family barbeque. They had their arms around each other and were smiling and laughing.

“That’s one of my favorite pictures...” Cas said, waking up to Dean.

“Yeah?” Dean glanced over at Cas, but only briefly before looking back to the picture.

“Mm-hmm. Sam was home for the summer and telling us about his favorite professor. We laughed so hard we could barely stand. Mary took that picture and had it framed for us. She said she always liked seeing her boys happy.” He smiled fondly.

“Mom likes you, huh?” Dean looked back again and Cas nearly cried. He hadn’t been expecting that comment and couldn’t find his voice, so he just nodded. “Well, that’s a good sign, I guess.”

“Yeah,” Cas managed after clearing his throat. He turned away and had to change the subject. “Would you like some dinner?”

“Uh, sure...” Dean stayed in the living room, looking at all the photographs while Cas moved into the kitchen.

“Tonight was supposed to be leftovers. You made chicken and rice yesterday.” 

“I did?” Dean sounded surprised and confused. “I mean, I cooked?”

Cas laughed weakly, “Yes, you cook all the time.” There was a counter between the kitchen and living room, from which Cas could watch Dean. “I bake sometimes, mostly pies, or brownies from box mixes and I barbeque. You cook dinner, I wash dishes and heat up leftovers.”

“Wait, I don’t barbeque? I’m great on a grill!”

“You’re alright, but I’m better,” Cas grinned. Talking about food and teasing Dean was far easier than talking about Mary.

“You’re-- alright...” Dean shot back, weakly, without any better rebuttal. Cas shook his head and put a plate of food into the microwave.

“It’s okay, you cook better than I do otherwise. Don’t let your man pride get too wounded.”

“When did I learn to cook?” Dean still seemed baffled by this idea.

“A little after we moved in together. With the house payments, we had to cut back on dining out and so we both tried cooking. You took to it better than I did.”

“Huh, well, alright then.” Dean joined Cas in the kitchen, leaning against a counter, hands lazily gripping its edge on either side of himself. 

Cas had to fight the urge to affectionately touch Dean’s stomach as he walked past. It was little things like that, the things he would do automatically, that were the hardest to accept. It didn’t help that Dean was as gorgeous as ever, despite the few cuts on his face from the accident. Cas took a slow, calming breath and retrieved the plate from the microwave when it beeped.

“Here, this is your plate,” He handed it to Dean, then put his plate into the microwave to warm up. Deciding space would help, Cas leaned against the opposite counter. He watched Dean look at the plate, apparently at a loss for what to do. “Utensils are in that drawer there. You can either stand and eat here or sit at the table there, we kind of do both. Or sometimes we eat in the living room, if something is on TV.” 

“Oh,” Dean seemed to size up his options. After grabbing a fork and knife, he sat at the small table in the kitchen. When Cas’ food was ready, he did the same and joined Dean at the table. They ate in silence while Dean tried his own cooking, seemingly pleased with it. “Man, I made this?”

“You did. I told you that you were good.” 

“Yeah, it’s just hard to believe, is all.”

“You were surprised the first time, too. Before we really tried cooking in earnest, you thought I would be a better cook. I told you that you needed to have more faith in yourself.”

“I guess that’s what you’re around for, huh? To have faith in me?” 

Cas nearly dropped his fork and stared at Dean. It felt like his heart stopped.

“Dude, what? Was that weird? It was kinda weird. Little too chick flick.” Dean started babbling and Cas was consumed with the desire to kiss him.

“No... I mean, yes, a little ‘chick flick,’ but no, it’s just... That’s something... you would say.” Cas wondered if he should dare to allow himself the hope that Dean would regain all his memories after all.

“Oh. Well, uhm...” Dean looked around. “This is kind of awkward now.”

Cas took a deep breath and sighed. Of course Dean would think it was awkward while Cas was being torn apart. “How about we just eat?”

Dean nodded and continued enjoying his food. Perhaps having agreed upon silence made it less uncomfortable, or perhaps Dean just ran out of things to say for the time being. Whatever the case, Cas was glad for the momentary reprieve. 

The rest of the evening carried on in much the same way as the entire day had. Dean asked questions and Cas answered them, giving little insights into the life that they created together. Luckily Dean was tired enough for the day’s events that he decided to call it an early night. Cas was emotionally exhausted and going to sleep sounded like the best plan ever, right up until he realized what that meant.

“So the bedroom is this way,” Cas pointed down the hall. “We have a guest room as well. I could show you both.”

“Uh, sure,” Dean seemed nervous now, which would have been so odd in any other circumstance. Bedrooms were usually the last place Dean got nervous.

Cas led them to their shared bedroom first, though he knew the possibility of them sharing it tonight was essentially nil. Dean peaked his head in and looked around. The room was masculine in decor, painted a dusty shade of blue. There were tour posters from Dean’s favorite bands framed and hung on the walls, a guitar sitting on a stand in the corner, next to a small amp, and a large bed in the center of the room. Their other furniture, bedside tables and a dresser, were made of dark wood that matched the bed frame. Small photos were framed and sat on open surfaces, mostly just of the two of them, both together and individually. Other trinkets and things they collected filled the rest of the surface space. Everything in there had a memory attached to it -- a reason for being there.

“So, this is our room,” Cas leaned against the door frame as Dean walked in and looked around.

“It’s... nice.” Dean seemed honest in this sentiment.

“Yeah, it’s, well, it’s us.” 

Dean turned around and leaned against the footboard of the bed. He looked at Cas and frowned, “I don’t think I can sleep in here, though. I mean, it looks like home, but... not a home I remember. It feels like, I dunno, like I stepped into someone else’s life and I’m playing the role, eating his food, talking to his boyfriend. It’s just-- I don’t know, man, it’s just all too weird.”

“Weird for the both of us, believe me,” Cas looked at the ground.

“I wanna remember all of this, I really, really do. Because it seems like we’ve kinda got a good life going here. The house, the dog, the business, the hot boyfriend -- I musta done something to get my life together, but man, it’s like someone just handed it all to me. I didn’t... I don’t...” 

“Don’t feel like you deserve it,” Cas finished, voice a little distance. He had to admit, having Dean refer to him as the ‘hot boyfriend’ made his chest feel tight and his stomach flutter. Even without their history, he still found Cas attractive, and that was a good feeling. The words that followed the compliment, though, had been sobering.

“That’s eerie, dude.” 

“What? That I know how you think so well?” Cas scoffed a laugh.

“Yeah, well, that’s kind of a roll reserved for Sammy, you know?”

“It used to be, yes.”

“Man, I want this, I do, but I just can’t.”

“I know, it’s okay, Dean... just, take your time. I’ll show you the guest room. Come on.” Cas pushed off from the doorway and led the way to the guest room. They bid each other a solemn goodnight with little more than a wave before Dean closed the door. 

Back in their room, Cas changed into pajamas pants and one of Dean’s shirts - just because it smelled like him - and climbed into bed. When he woke up that morning, Dean had been kissing his neck and trying to convince him to have a quickie before getting up, but they had slept in and Cas didn’t want to be late for work. When he woke up that morning, he had no idea he would be spending the night in bed alone, Dean in the guest room with no recollection of who he was. Cas covered his face with both hands, squeezed his eyes shut and let the weight of what happened fully hit him. 

He didn’t have to be strong now; he didn’t have to put on a brave face for Dean and tell him that it was alright. Castiel knew that it wasn’t even close to alright. Right now, it was perfectly alright to curl onto his side, cling to Dean’s pillow and cry himself to sleep for the first time in a very long time. He would be strong again tomorrow.


	2. Chapter 2

Come morning, Cas was sitting at the small table in the kitchen, a cup of coffee in front of him, both hands wrapped around it. He knew his hair was a mess, he hadn’t gotten dressed yet and there was a good chance his eyes were red. Sleep hadn’t come easily last night and didn’t last long enough. Cas was only awake for half an hour before Dean came stumbling out of the guest room, pulling his shirt from last night back on. When he came into the kitchen, Cas noticed that Dean looked sleepy, but otherwise well rested. 

“I have coffee,” Cas thumbed over his shoulder to the coffee pot on the counter. “Mugs are in the cabinet above.” Then he yawned.

“Not a morning person?” Dean laughed a little as he poured himself coffee.

“Not today.”

“Ah.” Dean took a seat across from Cas, “So... what do we normally do for breakfast?”

“Uh, we have cereal in the pantry, we have eggs and bread, too. We don’t really have a normal breakfast routine, just whatever works for that morning, depending on how much time we have, that sort of thing.”

“Oh. Well, what day is today?”

“Friday. I’m going to call into work and let them know I can’t make it in today, then I’ll give the guys at the shop a call so they know what’s going on. I don’t think either of us will be expected in at work today.” 

“You know, you can go into work today, if you want. I’ll probably be okay on my own.” 

“To be honest, Dean? I don’t think I can handle working today.”

“Are you okay?” There was a touch of concern in Dean’s voice, but mostly just confusion. 

Cas closed his eyes and took a long, deep breath. “Imagine the person you love more than life forgot who you were.” He opened his eyes and looked at Dean. “Would you be okay?” Not really waiting for an answer, Cas stood up and headed out of the kitchen, mug in hand. Angus lifted his head from where he was dozing on the floor and watched Cas walk out, making one of his confused sounds.

“Cas, I--”

“Don’t worry about it, Dean. I’m going to go make those calls. Feel free to use anything in the kitchen for breakfast.” Cas didn’t turn back, just went to their room with Angus trailing behind him. In the room, he finished his coffee, washed up in the bathroom connected to the room, got dressed and put his phone in his pocket. When he walked back out of the room, Dean was still sitting in the kitchen, drinking his coffee and staring off into space. He looked up when he heard Cas.

“I’m going to take Angus for a walk... All of your clothes are in the room, either in the closet or the right half of the dresser. It’s pretty easy to tell the difference between what’s mine and what’s yours, so... that shouldn’t be a problem. There’s a shower in our room, you can go ahead and use it. I shouldn’t be gone long.”

“Hey, Cas.”

“Yeah?” Cas was nearly to the door, nearly able to escape.

“Thanks, for everything... For taking care of me and dealing with all of this shit.”

There were a lot of things Cas wanted to say to that, but he decided on a simple, “You’re welcome.”

“And Cas...” Dean suddenly seemed nervous, looking down at his coffee cup, scratching at the handle with his thumbnail.

“Yeah, Dean.”

“You, uh, you look really good in my shirt. I mean, I’m guessing that was my shirt... this morning.”

Cas had to smile at that, it was involuntary. He couldn’t not smile at hearing that statement and what it meant. This was Dean trying to be nice when he wasn’t sure what he was doing. He was making an effort to be kind to Cas as a boyfriend would. It worked.

“Yeah... You always did like that...” Cas grabbed the dog's leash from a hook on the wall and fiddled with it almost shyly. “I’m glad some things don’t change...” 

Just then, Angus pushed his nose up against Cas’ hands and whined.

“Alright, alright, Angus, we’re going.” Cas looked back to Dean and smiled a small but genuine smile, “I’ll be back soon.” With that, he escaped the house to walk Angus and make his calls. Now, though, he was feeling strong enough to talk to people about what was going on. It was amazing what one well-timed compliment from Dean could do to him.

~ ~ ~  
 _Cas rolled out of bed, buck naked and happy. “You know what we need?” He asked, looking back at Dean who was still lazily lying in bed, watching him._

_“What do we need?” He was grinning wide. He always looked this dumbly happy after sex._

_“We need pie,” Cas said, moving to the dresser to find clean clothes to put on._

_“Hell yes, we do! We always need pie! Love me some pie.” Though Dean said this, he made no move to get up, green eyes still watching every move Cas made._

_“We don’t have pie in the house, though, so we will have to get dressed.” Cas was rummaging around through the drawers for something to wear. Their clothes kept ending up in each other’s drawers because Dean kept forgetting which drawer was his when he put laundry away. Giving up, he stole one of Dean’s shirts and found one of his own pairs of jeans, then headed towards the bathroom with them. “I’m taking a shower.”_

_“Want some help with that?” Dean wagged his eyebrows._

_“Yes,” Cas grinned. “But I’m hungry, so wait your turn.” Cas took a quick shower, just so that he would be presentable in public. When he came out of the bathroom, he was dressed in Dean’s shirt and towel drying his hair._

_Dean looked at him like he was ready to jump Cas all over again. “I like that.”_

_“Like what?” Cas asked, lowering the towel. He watched as Dean got out of bed, still naked, and walked over to him. He wrapped an arm around Cas’ waist and grinned, pulling him in for a sideways hug, kissing at his neck._

_“You look hot in my shirt.”_

_Cas felt himself blush as he looked away, closing his eyes at the feel of kisses to his neck. “Of course I do.” He laughed and gave Dean a small shove towards the bathroom. “Go wash up, you’re gross and I just got clean. We have pie to acquire!”_

_“Alright, alright, I’m going.” Dean slapped Cas’ ass just before going off to the bathroom to shower off the evidence of that morning’s activities._  
~ ~ ~

The first call Cas made was to the auto shop. He spoke to the assistant manager and explained what happened to Dean and that he would probably need a few days to get sorted. The assistant manager, Garth, was a strange kid, but he was good at his job and had a lot of heart. He told Cas to let him know if they needed anything, even if all he needed was a hug. Cas laughed and thanked him. Next he called his work, explaining to his boss what was going on. His boss told him to take all the time he needed and that they would call if they needed anything from him in the meantime. 

The last call he made while out walking Angus was to the police station to make arrangements to get the Impala home. Even though she was running, she had to be towed because the police declared she wasn’t road safe in her current condition. Once the towing was sorted out, Cas had no other calls to make and it was time to head back to Dean. Yet somehow, Cas found himself rounding another corner and taking the long way back to the house. 

Being around Dean was impossibly hard. Cas was constantly torn between wanting to touch him or kiss him and wanting to grab him by the shoulders and shake him, asking him how he could forget them and their life together. It felt like a nightmare. How could so much love and history be wiped out in a single day? Why did Dean have to forget him? 

Then Cas’ phone rang, shaking him from his thoughts. He looked at the name on the caller ID and sighed before answering it, “Hey John.”

“Hey kid, how ya’ doing?” John’s voice was kind. 

“I’ve been better. I’m out walking Angus... Dean’s at home. I guess Sam called you?”

“Last night, yeah. I decided to let you get some sleep before bugging you. How’s he doing?”

“Fine, mostly. I think he slept better than I did last night. He’s confused and doesn’t seem to know what to do with himself in the house.”

“So he doesn’t remember much, I take it?”

“Try he doesn’t remember the last four years, at least.”

He could hear John sigh heavily through the phone. “I want to come see him, but you know what he will ask if I do.”

“Yeah. I haven’t told him yet... I don’t think he needs that news on top of everything else. I don’t know how he’ll handle it and I don’t know how I’ll handle it, either.”

“Sammy said he’s coming to visit you guys sometime next week?”

“Yes, I was going to wait until Sam gets here, then at least if I can't comfort Dean, Sam can. I just need a reason to keep him from trying to see you.”

“Tell him I’m up at Bobby’s for the weekend.”

“And where should I tell him Mary is? I can’t lie to him. Not about that. He’ll never trust me if I do.”

John sighed. “Tell him everyone is giving him time and space to adjust, that we don’t want to bombard him or overwhelm him. That should work.”

“Alright, thanks John.” At some point during the conversation, Cas had stopped walking. Angus was laying down, his head on Cas’ foot, eyes looking up at him sadly.

“Sure thing, kid. How are you holding up?” 

“Not so great. It’s just really hard.”

“Well, you’re strong, you had to be to get my son to fall for you in the first place. And you’ve got a good head on your shoulders. Just try to make sure you don’t run yourself into the ground before Sammy gets there.”

“I’ll try. At least I’ve got Angus here.” Cas knelt down and scratched the dog behind his ears and Angus made a happy sound. “You wouldn’t forget me, would you, boy?” 

“Dean will come around, son, don’t worry.”

“I hope so.” Cas stood and started walking again. “I should go, I should get back to Dean.” 

“Alright, Cas. You take care of yourself and call if you need anything.”

“I will,” Cas said, then hung up the phone and slid it back into his pocket. He never thought there would be a time he would dread returning home to Dean. They had their fights and their disagreements, like any couple, but it was never so bad that he didn’t want to see Dean. It was a strange, new feeling and one he didn’t like.

When he got back to the house, Dean had already showered and changed clothes. He was sitting on the couch reading one of his favorite Vonnegut books. Cas let Angus off the leash and the dog immediately ran over to Dean. Angus stuck his nose on Dean’s lap until he got the attention he wanted. It made Cas happy that Dean wasn’t at all reserved around Angus, though the affection was only superficial. 

Cas took a seat on the opposite end of the couch, sitting sideways so he could face Dean. “We both have some time off work. While you’re gone, your assistant manager, a man named Garth, is watching over things.”

“Garth? I... don’t think I remember him.” Dean set the book down on the coffee table in exchange for scratching behind Angus’ ears.

“I think he started working there a year ago but had a lot of experience. He’s the kind of guy that gets under your skin in a loveable way. It’s hard to explain.”

“Uh-huh.” Dean nodded and then fell silent for a few moments. He seemed to be mulling something over, deciding if he wanted to say it. Then finally, he asked, “What do you do?”

“I’m a journalist for the Lawrence Times.” 

“And how long have we been together?”

“Three and a half years. We moved to this house about two years ago, around the same time we got Angus.”

“How did we meet?”

“My car broke down,” Cas laughed lightly. “Engine stopped, dead, and I had to push it to the shop, where I met you.”

“Did I ask you out? Or did you ask me out?”

Cas chewed his bottom lip, thinking. He knew the answer, but he wondered if he should just tell Dean things or give him hints, in hopes that he would remember. “I asked you out.”

“Really?” 

“Yes, really. Why? Does that surprise you?”

“No, not exactly. How did it happen?”

“It’s sort of a long story. It’s not actually very interesting, even.” Cas picked at a thread on his jeans.

“I’m interested in knowing.” Though Cas wasn’t looking, he could feel Dean staring right at him. When Cas didn’t respond right away, he spoke again. “It’s my life, Cas, I have a right to know what happened in it.”

“You do, you’re right. But I don’t know if I’m supposed to just tell you everything or wait to see if you will remember it on your own.”

“What if I never remember on my own? Do you think it’s just better for me to never know?”

“Not never, no. I would prefer you know how we met and why we chose this house and -- and where we got Angus and everything else. I just... don’t know what I’m supposed to do here, Dean.” 

“And I just want to know who you are so I stop feeling like I’m living here with a stranger. A stranger who knows everything about me and how I think. It’s weird not knowing.”

“It’s weird for me, too, Dean. It’s weird being so near to you and being so cut off from you at the same time. You don’t look any different or sound any different. I still want to reach out and touch you like I always do. I can’t just... flip a switch and turn off these feelings." 

“Well, you’re gonna have to work with me here, because I need to know who you are before you’re gonna do any touching.”

Cas huffed a sigh, “We met at the shop. My car was … beyond dead, the engine gave up on it. I had to wait about two hours before you even had time to look at it because it was so busy that day. I sat there, waiting, the whole time, because my apartment was too far away to walk to and no one could give me a ride. When you got to my car, you said something was really wrong with it and that you wouldn’t be able to figure it out before you closed for the night. So you offered to drive me home, which was nice. Well, I always thought it was nice, but--”

“But it’s store policy to offer within a certain distance.”

“Right. So, you offered and you were really hot, so I accepted and you drove me home. You were nice and asked how long I had the car and what I did for a living and those kinds of things.”

“I probably thought you were hot, too.”

“You did... you told me that a few months after we had been dating.” Even still, Cas looked down shyly to hear it again. “Anyway, the car stayed at the shop for a few days and you called me back after a while to tell me it was basically scrap metal unless I wanted to buy a new engine for it. I had no love for that car, so I gave up on it. You sounded flirtatious on the phone, so I asked if you wanted to get together sometime. You said yes and we went out for drinks. You drove, because I had no car, of course. After that, you helped me find a used car to buy and I took you for dinner to thank you. We started dating regularly and eventually ended up here.”

“I see.” 

“I told you it wasn’t very interesting.”

“It’s good to know, anyway.”

Cas nodded, not really having anything to say to that.

“Whose guitar is that in our room?” Dean asked, after a pause.

“Mine, technically, but you play it more than I do.”

“Are you any good at playing it?”

“I’m alright, I know how to, anyway, but I don’t really know any songs. I just make things up.”

“What music do you like?”

“Blues, mostly. And classic rock, because of it goes hand in hand with blues and because of you.”

“Do you sing at all?”

“Poorly,” Cas admitted with a wry smile.

“Me too.”

“I know,” Cas laughed. “It doesn’t stop you from singing though.”

“Loud, proud and off key.”

“God help me when Bon Jovi comes on the radio.”

Dean laughed at that.

“Are you enjoying your game of 20 questions?”

“Yeah. It’s a start anyway.” Dean shrugged.

Cas was right about to say something in return, when the doorbell rang. Dean looked at Cas curiously, who just shrugged. He got up from the couch and walked to the door, Angus got up and bounded after him, barking.

“Stop that, Angus, go lay down. Go.” Cas pointed back towards the living room and the dog sulked back to Dean’s side. Free of the dog, Cas opened the door to see a man in a grey uniform shirt.

“I’ve got a car here, towed from the police impound lot? An old Chevy Impala?”

“Ah, yes, that’s right! How does she look?” Cas peered past the man to see the Impala and grimaced. 

“It ain’t pretty.” 

“No, it isn’t...” 

“Sign here, please?” The man held a clipboard out to Cas and he signed it quickly, asking the man to leave the car in the driveway. As he walked away, Cas thanked him, then went back to Dean.

“Your baby is here.”

“She is?” Dean jumped off the couch, much to Angus’s dismay, and went to the door to watch as the tow truck guy backed her into the driveway. “Oh baby, you poor thing...” 

“You have a whole shop set up in the garage, you should be able to take care of her there.” Cas led Dean around the house and opened the garage door from the outside. 

Dean walked around the Impala to survey the damage. The driver side door was bashed in but the majority of the frame was still intact. The wheel well on the same side was badly bent, the tire was flat and the hood was damaged on both sides. The roof was scraped up and some edges were crumpled from where the car rolled over. 

“Need a hand getting her in?” Cas offered.

“Yeah, sure. I just hope the rims didn’t get bent from where that tire went flat...” Dean was in work mode and right now, nothing else mattered to him except his baby. Cas was familiar with this disposition.

Together, they pushed the car into the garage and got it jacked up so Dean could work on it. Cas went inside, deciding it was better to get out of the way and leave Dean to his baby. With Dean occupied and the fact that he didn’t have to go into work today, Cas found himself unsure of what to do with his suddenly ample free time. In the end, he chose to do some of the household chores that fell to the wayside while they were so busy with work and life. 

Five hours later, with two loads of laundry washed, dried and folded, bed sheets washed and changed in both rooms, all the piled up mail sorted, four bills paid, the refrigerator and kitchen counters cleaned, Cas was tired and hungry. It was well past lunchtime and definitely time for a break. He made two sandwiches and grabbed a couple beers from the fridge, then headed out to the garage.

“Hey... You want a snack?” Cas brandished the food and beer.

Dean had the door off the Impala and was working on the frame. He was covered in sweat, dirt and grease. Poking his head up from behind the car, Dean squinted at the food and nodded. “Yeah, I guess I could eat. Just gotta wash my hands.”

Cas gestured to the sink on the back wall, “Over there.” 

“Awesome.” 

Clearing a space on a workbench, Cas set the plates and beers down and took a seat on an upturned bucket. Dean joined him, leaning against the side of the car and started eating his sandwich. 

“So, how’s it going? Will she live?” Cas asked before taking a swig of beer.

“She’ll live, but she needs a lot of TLC.”

“Good thing you’ve got the time off work, then.”

“Yeah. I’ll have to make a run to get some parts for her, though. Might have to go by the shop... which will be weird.”

“Mm, most likely. You can borrow my car to do that, by the way.” 

“Oh, yeah, thanks. That’d be good.”

“It’s not a problem, I’m not really going anywhere.” 

“Will taking off work be a problem for you?”

“Not so much... I mean, I’m going to lose a few stories to other people at the paper, but it’s not a big deal. This is more important than that.”

“Oh.” Dean took a drink of his beer while staring off in thought. “It’s just... ‘cause, if you wanted to go back, I’d probably be okay here. You don’t have to, like, baby sit me or anything.”

“Sometimes a little time off can be a good thing.” 

* * *

As it turned out, a little time off wasn’t really so good after all. The next few days might have been easier if Cas spent them working. Dean threw himself into fixing the Impala, which Cas understood. But he would start first thing in the morning when he woke up and then work until late into the night. At times, it felt like Angus got more bonding time with Dean than Cas did. He would bring food out to Dean at lunchtime or call him into the house for dinner, but their conversations were sparse. 

Dean ran out of questions to ask Cas by the second day. There were only so many ‘what’s your favorite color?’ type questions you could ask a person and Dean seemed more concerned with fixing his baby than with figuring out who Cas was. He knew Dean was hiding this way, but he didn’t know how to fix it. He didn’t know how to go back to the person he was when they first met, before they knew each other. The situation was too weird to relate to their relationship when they were dating. It was too one-sided.

On top of everything, Cas was left with far too much time on his hands. He finished the articles he had been writing before the accident and emailed them in to his boss. In return, his boss sent him articles in need of editing, so Cas would have something he could easily do from home. When the articles ran out, Cas cleaned. The house was cleaner than it had been in months; he even considered scrubbing the floorboards before he decided that was just a little too much. By Monday night, Cas was going crazy.

He made dinner, then opened the door to the garage to shout to Dean that it was ready. While he waited, Cas drank a beer. One beer in, the food was getting cold and Dean was still outside. He opened a second bottle and started eating alone. By the time he finished his food, Cas was halfway through his third beer and decided there were too many full bottles in the fridge. He made a plate of food for Dean and put it in the microwave but didn’t warm it up and put the rest of the food away.

After chugging the last half of his third beer, he grabbed two more out of the fridge and walked over to the couch, falling down onto it rather haphazardly. Angus was watching him with what looked like concern, but because Angus was a dog and wouldn’t judge him, Cas decided he didn’t care. He very rarely drank like this, but once he decided to start, he wasn’t going to stop. Dean got to get drunk when he couldn’t deal with things, why couldn’t Cas do the same?

Part way through beer four, when Dean was still in the garage working on the car, Cas wanted him inside. He got up off the couch, with some effort, and staggered over to the garage door. Leaning on the frame, he called out to Dean.

“Hey. Your food got cold. It’s in the microwave. But it’s not hot. It’s waiting for you. Like I was waiting for you. But it’s still waiting. And I’m not.” 

“Cas... are you drunk?” Dean stood up and peered at Castiel.

“It’s possible. Are you going to eat or work all night?” Cas took another drink.

“I think I’ll come inside...” Dean set down the tool in his hand and walked towards Cas, who didn’t move out of the doorway. 

“You’re tall. You know that?”

“Yeah, I was aware.”

“I like it.” Cas leaned forward and set his head on Dean’s chest and closed his eyes. “It feels nice.”

“My being tall feels nice?” Dean was being kind enough not to push him away. 

“Mm-hmm. I like it. I like your arms too, ‘cause they’re all muscley and strong. You look good with your shirt off.”

“Uhm, thanks. So, how about that dinner you mentioned?”

“Right!” Cas stood up straight. “I cooked! It didn’t suck! You should have seen it. Come on.” He grabbed Dean’s wrist and pulled him into the house. Thankfully, Dean had enough sense to pull the garage door shut behind them, because Cas didn’t. He dragged Dean into the kitchen and pushed a few buttons on the microwave. It hummed to life, spinning Dean’s dinner around in fun little circles.

“So, drink like this often?” Dean asked while they waited for his food. 

“Nope! It’s nice though, kinda like it. You know why?” 

“Why?” 

“Because I don’t care anymore.” Cas was gesturing wildly. Everything he said was punctuated by a swinging bottle or a pointing finger. 

“You don’t care?”

“Nope! I don’t care that you’re too busy with the Impala to talk to me.” Cas took a drink. “I don’t care that you sleep in the guest room.” He took another drink. “I don’t care that things may never be the way they were before.” He took a long drink and then the bottle was empty. “Oh... I do care that I’m out of beer. Hold on.”

After setting the empty bottle on the kitchen counter, Cas stumbled back to the couch where he left bottle number five and picked it up. “Here you are, pretty bottle.” He staggered back to the kitchen and Dean, who took the bottle away from Cas.

“Yeah, I think you like it a little too much.”

“Hey! Give that back, that was mine!” He reached for the bottle in Dean’s hands.

“No, I think you’ve had enough.” Dean set it on the counter behind him and stood in Castiel’s way. 

“I don’t think you get to decide that.” Cas tried reaching past Dean. Mentally, he added to the list: I don’t care that my arms are around you right now.

“As long as I’m living here, yeah, I think I do.” Dean grabbed Cas’s forearms and pushed him back, away from the counter and the beer. 

“Why do you care? You don’t love me, you barely know me.” Cas swallowed hard, feeling like he was going to cry. He hated crying, he was stronger than that. Dean always liked how strong he was.

“Because I care, okay? I think you’ve had enough for the night.”

“Four beers? Nah, this is nothing.”

“Four beers in, what, an hour? Two tops? Yeah, I think that’s enough.”

“Can’t make me, there’s more in the fridge.” Cas turned and headed for the refrigerator when suddenly he felt strong arms wrapping around his waist and chest. 

“Cas, would you stop it?” Dean’s voice was in his ear and Cas closed his eyes, nearly shivering.

“No.” He struggled, just so Dean would hold him back.

“Alright, that’s it. We’re getting out of the kitchen.” Dean ushered him through the kitchen doorway and back out into the living room. Cas stumbled even more along the way and turned around to try and get back into the kitchen. Dean was physically stronger, though, especially when he was completely sober and Cas was more than tipsy. 

With one arm around Cas’ waist and the other gripping his shoulder, Dean was able to bodily move Cas where he wanted. Cas struggled a bit longer, then just gave up, falling against Dean’s chest. He dropped his head onto Dean’s shoulder and let his hands sit loosely on Dean’s hips. 

“Why do you care?” The question was weak this time and Cas knew his voice sounded broken, but he was beyond caring about that, too.

“Because I like you, okay?” Dean wrapped his arms around Cas, hugging him now that he wasn’t struggling anymore.

“Why do you ignore me, then?”

“Because I don’t know how to act around you.” 

“Just be you. I miss you...” Cas closed his eyes tight and buried his face against the crook of Dean’s neck.

“I... am being me, just -- you know, not the me you keep thinking I am. I just met you and yeah, I like you, you’re cool and you’re nice and you have good taste and you bring me pie and make sure I eat. You love me, and that’s-- it’s a lot to take in, you know? From someone I just met... I’m still in... like, butterflies and crap, at seeing you in my clothes. It’s like this great thing fell into my lap and I’m just... I don’t know what to do to not fuck it all up.”

“Fuck what up, Dean?” Cas lifted his head and looked into Dean’s eyes. 

“Everything? I’m not really good enough for someone like you, Cas. I don’t know how I did it the first time, but I don’t really think God’s looking out for me or anything to make sure that it all works out just peachy a second time. And if I don’t get it all right, if I don’t end up the person you fell in love with to start, you’re ju--”

Dean’s rant was interrupted when Cas grabbed Dean’s shoulder, stood up on his toes, and kissed him square on the lips. It was a fumbling kiss, which Dean didn’t return right away, but Cas didn’t back down and soon Dean relaxed into it. His arms slowly wound around Cas, pulling him in close and Cas, lacking inhibitions, moved to deepen the kiss by parting his lips. Dean’s instincts took over and his lips opened, tongue darting into Castiel’s mouth to explore for the first time. 

Cas gripped the back of Dean’s shirt, pulling himself closer. He tipped his head for a better angle and half whimpered into the kiss. Dean’s hands found their way to the small of Cas’s back and the back of his neck, fingers lacing into his hair. His hold was firm, trapping Cas against his body like he would never let go and Castiel felt his knees going weak. He felt his stomach do flips like it did the first time Dean kissed him, but this time there was an added passion that made Cas want to rip their clothes off and worship his lover’s body. Too bad he was drunk, though, because he forgot how to breathe while making out and broke the kiss, gasping for air. 

Though the kiss ended, Dean’s grip remained firm around Castiel’s body, pinning him close against Dean’s taller, stronger form. Cas rested his head on Dean’s shoulder, mouth near Dean’s neck and he gave in to the temptation to pepper kisses all along that sensitive skin. He smiled as he felt Dean shiver. In the back of his mind, though, he knew this was nothing. He knew all of Dean’s weak spots, he knew how to make Dean a quivering mess, begging for more.

“You can sleep in my room, you know... our room.” Cas said after placing a kiss that made Dean gasp.

“You have no idea how badly I want to...” Dean said, shaking his head. “But you’re drunk and I’m not going to do this that way.”

Cas groaned and closed his eyes, hiding his face against Dean’s shoulder. “Why do you have to go and get all moral on me?” 

“Somehow it seems funny that I’m the moral one out of the two of us.” Dean was laughing but Cas wasn’t amused.

“You suck.” Cas pouted and it made Dean burst out laughing. 

“You’re the one who got drunk.”

“You’re the one who ignored me.”

“I’m sorry. How’s that?” Dean tipped his head so he could see Cas.

“Dean Winchester, apologizing. I need to go write an article about this. Front page of tomorrow’s news. I’m gonna send it to Sammy and John and Bobby. Show everyone!”

“You’re kind of adorable when you’re drunk.”

“But apparently not fuckable.” Cas apparently didn’t know when to stop talking when he was drunk. Luckily, Dean laughed at that.

“Oh no, you’re definitely fuckable. But you’re too good for that. I’m gonna do this right.”

“Uhg...” Cas groaned and pulled away from Dean. “You’re gonna regret that when I leave you for lack of sex.” 

“You wouldn’t. I’m too pretty.” 

“Pretty... jerky... like a... jerk!” Cas was also apparently very eloquent when drunk. “I’m gonna go to bed with my boyfriend for the night.” He lifted his right hand and wiggled his fingers. He was going to hate himself in the morning if he remembered half of this conversation.

“Good night, Cas.” Dean was smiling, amused, almost fond. “Thanks for cooking.”

“Thanks for the kiss!” And then Cas escaped into his room, closing the door and leaning against it. He closed his eyes and took a slow, deep breath. Everything was still spinning and Cas was a bit worried he might get sick. He stumbled over to the bed and climbed into it, not bothering to change out of his clothes. Falling face first into the pillow, Cas promptly passed out. Tomorrow morning wasn’t going to be fun, but at least he got a kiss out of Dean. And a damn good kiss at that.


	3. Chapter 3

“Uhg... why did I drink so much...?” Cas groaned when he woke up Tuesday morning. The lights were too bright, all sounds were too loud and morning could go right the fuck away as far as Cas was concerned at the moment. He so rarely had hangovers that he wasn’t very good at dealing with them. Feeling sick, he dragged himself out of bed and groaned again, just now realizing that he fell asleep fully dressed. He didn’t bother changing and shuffled out of his bedroom. 

Once he opened the door, the first thing Cas smelled was bacon. He closed his eyes and breathed in the smell. That scent drew him straight to the kitchen where, eyes now half opened, he walked straight up to Dean, slipped his arms around the taller man’s waist and hugged him from behind.

“You’re good to me,” he hummed, resting his head against Dean’s back, right between his shoulder blades. Then he felt Dean go still and all of the memories came crashing back to him. 

“Yeah, uh, well...” Dean cleared his throat and Cas pulled away immediately. “Figured you’d need some hangover remedies... There’s a glass of water over there. I kinda searched through all the cabinets, but I found you advil, too.” 

“Thank you, Dean...” Cas grabbed the medicine Dean left out and took it, then leaned against the counter, watching Dean cook. He loved watching Dean cook and that just about helped him overcome the awkward feeling of forgetting for a moment that Dean didn’t remember him.

“Yeah, sure. It’s almost done.” He placed a fried egg on an English muffin with cheese and bacon and put it all on a plate that he handed to Cas. “This should help.”

“Thanks again,” Cas accepted the plate and went to eating it right away, despite feeling sick. 

“I’ve got a lot of experience with this,” Dean scratched the back of his head self-consciously. “Kinda familiar with the whole, drinking your sorrows away thing.”

“It’s not a common occurance for me.” 

“Yeah, you don’t really seem the type,” Dean smirked.

Cas shrugged and kept eating, not having much to say to that. He figured Dean meant it as a compliment. Dean started cleaning up the kitchen, occasionally looking at Cas, like he was about to say something.

“What is it?”

“Do...” Dean looked off into the living room, thinking, then sighed. “Do I still do that a lot?”

“Drink too much?” Cas was surprised by that question. “There are times when you’ve got a reason to, but not often, no.”

“Oh. Good. That’s good.” His voice sounded distant and almost sad.

“The person you were, before you lost your memories, you could be again, Dean. Even if you don’t remember everything.”

“You don’t know that,” Dean shrugged.

“I know you.”

“No, you know some other guy with my name and this life. You don’t know this me from however many years ago.”

“I knew that guy, too. I met that guy once and asked him out.”

Dean was silent.

“Dean, you made me hangover breakfast. Why would I not like you?” Dean shrugged and Cas sighed. “How about we go on a date tonight? Just... get out of the house and start all over again.”

“That’s not a bad idea.”

“Okay, then tonight at 7:00. You can go work on the Impala and I... may go lay down.”

Dean laughed and agreed to the idea. 

~ ~ ~   
 _Cas was nervous before the date. He normally wasn’t the type to ask someone out, but lately he realized that if he didn’t make the first move, it may never happen. Dean would be at his apartment any minute now and Cas was fretting over how many buttons to leave undone at the top of his shirt and whether or not he should have worn a tee shirt. He had eventually settled on a button down over a tee and jeans._

_When the intercom buzzed, Cas nearly jumped. He moved over to the wall and pressed the button to talk, “Hello?”_

_“Hey, Cas. It’s Dean.”_

_“Hello, Dean. I’ll be down in a minute.” He hurriedly checked his pockets for everything, then ran out the door, locking up on his way out. Cas took the stairs rather than waiting on the slow elevator and stopped to take a calming breath so he wouldn’t be winded. While Cas wasn’t usually the type to get nervous, he still worried about whether or not Dean would like him. People usually found him strange or off-putting because of his awkward manner and tendency to stare._

_Cas opened the door and smiled, “Hello.”_

_“Hey, you ready to go?” The warm smile Dean gave in return put Cas at ease._

_“Yes.”_

_Dean took Castiel to his favorite bar. Much of the night was spent with Dean giving advice to Castiel about what kind of car to buy or what to look for in a used car. Though Cas had a tendency to sit too close or lean too far into his personal space when talking, Dean didn't seem to mind. He laughed when Cas spoke in his deadpan manner and more so when he made jokes. At the end of the night, Dean drove them home and Castiel found himself leaning against the hood of the Impala with the other man._

_"Thank you for tonight," Cas said. "It was fun."_

_"Yeah, sure thing." Dean nodded, arms crossed over his chest._

_"And you don't mind helping me find a car?"_

_"Nah, dude, it'll be easy for me and help you out. I'm free this coming weekend, if you are."_

_"Yes, that would be good."_

_"Alright then, it's settled. Next weekend. Give me a call when you're free." Dean flashed a smile at him and Castiel wanted to kiss him or hug him or something-- anything. But he couldn't._

_"I will." Cas nodded and held out his hand, "Goodnight, Dean."_

_Dean's smile turned to a lopsided smirk as he eyed Castiel's hand. He uncrossed his arms and shook the proffered hand, "Goodnight, Cas."_

_After turning away and walking into his apartment complex, Cas winced, feeling certain that Dean would never be romantically interested in him. Not after tonight, anyway._

~ ~ ~ 

Sometime around noon, Cas started feeling better and was able to exist without painkillers and feeling like he was going to vomit. He was able to get some work done, editing articles. By 5:00, Cas felt himself getting nervous about their date that night. He took a shower and picked out something to wear, but kept getting distracted, wondering if Dean would still like him. He was a different person now than when Dean first met him. 

Living with Dean had changed him significantly; what if the Dean of five years ago would only like the Cas from before they got together? He was more talkative now, less awkward. He was afraid to get too far into Dean’s personal space without making him uncomfortable. Was that a good way to approach things? If he tried to behave like his old self, Dean might read it differently than he did the first time. Cas was thinking in circles and working himself up. 

Dean came into the house from the garage and ran into Cas in their bedroom, where Cas was messing with his hair -- not that it did much good, as it always looked disheveled. 

“I was, uh, going to take a shower... get cleaned up for tonight.” Dean explained.

“Oh, yes, of course. I’ll get out of your way.” Cas escaped the room and sat in the living room with Angus while he waited for Dean to get ready. Angus was a calming force, with his big happy smile and eager love. He helped Cas relax right up until the moment Dean walked out of the bedroom, clean and nicely dressed. 

“You ready to go?” 

“Yeah,” Cas rubbed Angus’s head and stood. He led Dean to the door, grabbed his keys and headed out. “It’s funny, on our first date, you drove because my car was dead. On our second first date, I’ll drive because your car is broken.” 

“The cars getting broken was kind of how we met both times, too.” Dean added.

“I guess you could think of it that way.”

Cas decided to drive them to the same bar where they had their first date. Being a Tuesday night, the bar wasn’t very busy. A few local regulars were around and because school was finished for the semester, a number of college-aged kids were visiting with hometown friends. Dean and Cas seated themselves.

“This is one of my favorite bars,” Dean was smiling as he looked around. “It’s changed, though.”

“You chose this the first time, and yes, they changed a lot of the decorations in the last few years.”

“Let’s cut the comparisons to the first time we were here together and just, kinda, go with it, if that’s okay?”

“Sure, Dean.” 

A waitress came over to their table, wearing a tight, thin tee shirt that left her tanned midriff exposed over a pair of shorts that barely kept her covered. Her hair was long, brown and curly; it hung loose around her shoulders. Her smile was pretty and her eyes were giving Dean a once over.

“Hey there, boys, what can I get you to drink tonight?” 

“Oh, well, I think we’ll need to take a look at the beer menu,” Dean was smiling at the young woman in his usual charismatic way. It made Cas uncomfortable.

“I can get one right out for you,” She grinned at Dean and barely looked at Cas.

“We’ll take two of whatever the special on draft is tonight,” Cas said sternly, looking at Dean with a long stare before giving the waitress a brief glance.

The waitress seemed confused, but nodded, “Sure thing. And I’ll get you that beer menu, just in case...” She walked off.

“You always take control like that?” Dean asked, waggling his brows and flashing an open-mouthed grin.

“Only when the waitress is hitting on you.”

“What? That? C’mon. I can’t help it if she thinks I’m hot.”

“You can help smiling back at her like that...” Cas was acting petty, but he couldn’t seem to stop himself.

“Are you jealous?”

“No, of course not.” Cas looked away. Of course he was jealous.

Dean snickered and when Cas looked back at him, he saw that same charismatic smile directed at him. Cas looked away again, but this time he was smiling. 

“You’re kinda cute, you know that?” Dean’s voice had a hint of teasing to it, but the sentiment was honest. 

“I’m not... cute.” Cas rolled his eyes.

Dean laughed again. The waitress came back with their beers and menus and set them down before each of them. “Thanks, sweetheart. Hey, I have a question for you.”

The waitress smiled and nodded, “Okay, shoot!”

“This guy here, would you say he’s cute?”

“Dean.” Cas’s voice held warning, he glared at Dean.

The waitress studied Cas for a moment and hummed thoughtfully. “Yeah, he could be cute, if he wasn’t glaring like that.” She grinned at Dean.

“See?” Dean said, as if that was proof enough. 

“You boys looking for dates tonight?” She asked that of Dean, then looked to Cas and nodded at Dean. “He’s a pretty good wingman, if you are.” She giggled.

“Actually--” Cas started, but Dean interrupted him.

“No. He’s my date tonight. Not half bad, huh?” 

“Ohhhh,” The woman elongated the sound. “My mistake! Well, I’ll give you boys time to look at the menu, if you want to order some food. I’ll be back in a mo’.” 

“I think you made her uncomfortable,” Cas observed.

Dean shrugged, “So what?” He opened his menu and started looking for something to eat.

Cas watched Dean for a moment, then shook his head and looked at the menu as well.

"Alright, so what do you like to eat? Other than my awesome cooking, of course."

"Burgers, actually." 

"Really? I totally thought you'd be the salad and healthy stuff kind of person." 

"I would take a burger over a salad any day of the week," Cas chuckled.

"Cool. So are you going to get a burger? 'Cause that's what I'm thinking."

"Probably," Cas looked up at Dean over his menu and smiled. Maybe this would go better than he thought. Dean continued asking questions here and there about the kinds of things Castiel liked and it gave him a nostalgic feeling, like he was reliving his past, rather than trying to catch Dean up to their current life. When they left the bar, Dean had thrown his arm around Cas’s shoulders as he walked them out to the car. Cas wrapped his arm around Dean’s waist and he let his hand rest on his hip. He always thought they fit nicely together that way. It was a comfortable, natural action and, for once, nothing felt forced or awkward about their closeness.

Back at the house, Dean walked them to the door, then stopped just inside. Castiel looked up at him, tilting his head to the side curiously as Dean chewed his lip, obviously considering something. 

“Might be a little forward for a first date, but what the hell?” Dean tugged Cas’s hand, pulling him in, and placed a kiss to his lips. His other hand moved up to hold Cas at the small of his back, bringing him forward so their bodies pressed together. Cas made a small sound at the back of his throat and eagerly returned the kiss. His hands gripped the backs of Dean’s hips, fingers clinging tightly.

Suddenly, Cas found himself pinned against the wall in the entryway with Dean’s body pressed against him. He gave into it. He gave into all the desires that had been building up the last few days without the Dean who remembered him. He let himself go, dropped his wall and let his emotions show for the first time in days. Hands grasped at Dean, at his shirt, his hips, his neck, anywhere Cas could reach. He opened his mouth, parting his lips to invite Dean to take as much advantage as he wanted.

Dean took that invitation with a vigor and Cas didn’t know if maybe he remembered this feeling, this urgency they sometimes got swept up in, from his forgotten life, or if this was just Dean being the sexual man he was. It didn’t matter, though, Cas decided, because as long as he could have this feeling back, even for a moment, he was going to enjoy it. Dean’s hands were all over Cas, holding him to the wall, and Cas didn’t want this moment to ever end. But, of course, Cas wasn’t going to get all the things he wanted, and he should have expected that. 

Angus came running up to them, barking happily and pushing his nose up against Dean’s leg. With reluctance, Dean pulled away from Cas, breathing hard, cheeks flushed, and looked down at the dog. Cas, breathless, used the wall for support, because his legs weren’t going to hold him at the moment. He practically glared at Angus when the dog came running up, but one look at that happy face and all he could do was roll his eyes and laugh.

“What is it, boy?” Dean asked the dog, his voice gruff and only slightly annoyed.

“He probably needs to go out,” Cas sighed and tried to push himself off the wall.

“Ah, I got it... Don’t worry.” He then walked off with the dog, letting Angus out the back door through the kitchen. Cas took a moment to catch his breath and compose himself before going to the living room and collapsing on the couch. 

Dean came back into the house with Angus and sat on the couch next to Cas as the dog curled up on the floor in front of them. There was a moment where they shared a pose, heads back against the couch, turned to face one another, eyes meeting with the same expression. There was a residual electricity from the earlier kiss that remained between them, but it was dulled now. Dean smiled and Cas mirrored it. 

Without a word, Cas shifted on the couch until he was lying against Dean’s chest. Strong arms wrapped around Cas in a gentle manner and Dean lifted a hand and combed his fingers through Cas’s hair. Eventually, Dean, Castiel and Angus all drifted off to sleep.

* * *

The next morning was less pleasant than Cas would have liked. Dean woke up with a sore back and Cas woke with such a bad cramp in his neck that it gave him a headache. It was worth it, though, just to sleep in Dean’s arms again. It was like a balm to his emotional wounds.

Unfortunately, not much changed, despite the date, the kiss and the couch. Dean still hid himself away in the garage working on the Impala. Little things did get better; they ate breakfast together and Dean was certain to come in for lunch without Cas calling him into the house. However the little things didn’t add up to enough to assuage Castiel’s fears. It was only when the doorbell rang around 2:00 in the afternoon and Cas opened the door that he felt any form of relief.

Sam Winchester stood in the doorway, the giant man he was, smiling warmly and giving his usual, “Hey Castiel,” greeting that warmed Cas’s heart more than he expected it to. 

“Sam,” Cas smiled back and stepped out of the way, gesturing into the house. “Please, please come in.”

Angus came running up to Sam, barking and jumping at him. Normally, the dog was well behaved, at least behaved enough not to jump, but he seemed to make a special exception for Sam. With a huge grin plastered across his face, Sam greeted Angus by practically hugging the dog.

“So, how’s everything going?” Sam asked, as he made his way into the house with his luggage and Angus still vying for his attention. 

“Strange,” Cas ventured.

“I’ll bet. Where’s Dean?” 

“In the garage, working on the Impala." 

“Ahh..."

“Yes...” Cas sighed quietly, “I’ll go get him. I’m sure he’ll be happy to see you. Make yourself at home.” Cas started towards the garage, then stopped and came back, “Congratulations on graduation, by the way. I’m happy for you.”

“Aw, thanks Cas!”

“We should try and celebrate, if we can.” 

“That’d be great,” Sam was smiling.

“I’ll go get Dean.” 

Cas went out to the garage and told Dean that Sam had arrived. Without hesitation, Dean dropped what he was doing and hurried into the house. He was smiling brightly at the sight of his brother as he walked into the room and over to the couch where Sam was seated.

“Hey-hey, Sammy! It’s good to see you, little brother!” 

“Dean, hey, how’s it going?” Sam stood as he spoke. “How are you feeling?” 

Dean’s eyes went wide as he stepped back from his brother, looking up at him with surprise, “Short. When the hell did you get so big?” 

“Uh, around about my senior year in high school, I guess. But I really filled out in the last few years at Stanford.” Sam’s smile dwindled as he realized how much of his life his brother didn’t remember.

“Well. Guess you ate your Wheaties a little better than your big brother. Still good to see you, man.” Dean leaned in and hugged Sam, the way he always did when he hadn’t seen his brother in a long while. 

Sam returned the hug and looked over Dean’s shoulder, shooting a glance at Cas that said he saw just how bad it was. 

Cas nodded and made his escape into the kitchen to leave the boys to catch up with each other. As he walked away, he heard Dean asking about Stanford and the girls there, asking whether or not Sam found himself some nice coeds and if they liked his ridiculously long hair out in California. It was nice to hear them laughing and joking; Cas was glad that nothing could come between their bond as brothers, not even the loss of Dean’s memories. It did make Cas feel like an outsider, though, so he kept himself to the kitchen, putting together some snacks for them to eat. Everything was going alright, up until he walked back into the living room and heard Dean asking Sam a question.

“So, we gonna go visit mom and dad while you’re in town?” Dean was smiling as he looked at Sam.

Cas walked around to stand behind Dean’s back, where he could get a clear look at Sam, who was looking at him a bit wide-eyed. Cas shrugged and mouthed the words, “I couldn’t.” Sam’s brows creased and he frowned deeply. Dean had caught on to the fact that something was going on and he looked from Sam to Cas and back.

“What aren’t you guys telling me?” He was suddenly angry and concerned at the same time. 

“Dean...” Sam began, looking down at the empty space on the couch between them. “Something happened about a year ago.”

Cas set the snack tray down on the table and stood off to the side, fretting and uncomfortable. He didn’t know what to do with himself.

“What happened?” Dean’s voice was severe and demanding.

“Mom--” Sam swallowed, clearly struggling with his own emotions. “Mom died... She had an aneurysm. The doctors, they did everything they could but...” He shrugged, then sniffled. 

“What?!” Dean’s eyes were wide, his voice disbelieving.

“Yeah, man... I... don’t know what else to say... You were there in the hospital... well,” He glanced to Cas, then back to Dean, “both of you were, and dad and me, it happened while I was home on break last summer.” Tears were showing in Sam’s eyes, he didn’t try very hard to stop them. 

“I can’t believe she’s gone...” Dean was shocked, his voice hollow and quiet. 

“It’s-- uh... it’s still hard to take, even after a year.” 

Sam and Dean fell silent after that, Sam pushing aside the tears that fell and Dean staring off into space, as if he didn’t comprehend what was happening. Cas felt like an outsider, though he too loved Mary and missed her deeply. More than anything, he wished he could comfort Dean, the way he had the first time. 

~ ~ ~  
 _They all sat in the private waiting room while the doctors worked on Mary. Everyone felt sick at first, then as time passed and they sat alone, things became surreal. John paced around the small room for a bit, but it was too confining, so he took a seat, arms on his knees, hands clasped together, eyes staring down. Sam watched everyone or tried to make conversation, but everything anyone said just fell to the wayside._

_Cas sat beside Dean, who alternated between staring off at nothing, occasionally humming Beatles songs, and flipping through one of the magazines that sat on the coffee table in the room. It seemed odd to look at magazines at a time like this, but they all went into that room expecting that the doctors would be able to save Mary. That, and sometimes a distraction was useful. When Dean wasn’t looking at the magazine, Cas held his hand. He knew that Dean was freaking out internally, because every time he took Dean’s hand in his, Dean squeezed it so hard it almost hurt. Cas never winced or shied from the pain, he just squeezed back, so Dean knew he was there._

_After what felt like hours, a doctor came into the room. They all stood up, looked at the doctor, hopeful, but the man looked solemn._

_“We did everything we could. We tried, but... she didn’t make it. I’m so sorry for your loss.”_

_The words hit the air and all other sounds seemed to vanish. What he said was perfectly clear, and yet, for some reason, it was impossible to comprehend._

_“What... What do you mean... she didn’t make it?” Dean asked, voice choking. Cas squeezed his hand and nearly gasped at the death grip Dean gave in return._

_“I’m sorry,” the doctor said again and it was clear he was. “The internal hemorrhaging was --” and whatever else he said no longer mattered._

_Dean turned away, faced the wall, and lifted his free hand to his lips in a fist. Cas could see as his lips quivered while he tried to press them together and hold back a sob. Sam sat back down, eyes distant. He was in shock. John had the wherewithal to thank the doctor, who then left them alone to grieve. When the doctor was gone, John sat beside Sam, who had started crying, and wrapped his arms around his son. Cas turned to Dean and wrapped his arms around his love and held him. Dean gave in and clung to Cas, crying into his shoulder. Cas held on tight, closed his eyes, and bowed his head as he wept silently for the loss of Mary Winchester._

~ ~ ~

“A--” Cas tried to speak and found his voice hoarse. He cleared his throat and tried again. “Are you okay, Dean?” 

“Am I okay?” Dean asked, suddenly harsh as he turned to Cas. “Am I okay? No! No! I’m not fucking okay! My mom is dead! My mom! For a year! And I don’t even remember getting to say goodbye! I forgot the last years of my mom’s life!” Dean had risen to his feet during his outburst and now he took a step forward. Instinctively, Cas took a step back. “And you! You knew this! All this time, you knew she was gone and you didn’t tell me?”

“Dean, I...” Cas started to explain.

“No, no you don’t get to make excuses. That first day, when I woke up in that hospital, I asked you, Cas, I ASKED!” Dean was shouting now. “I said, ‘What else should I know?’ and what did you tell me? You told me we had a fucking dog! Don’t you think, maybe, that I should know my mother died?” 

“Of course, Dean... but you lost everything, you didn’t know what was going on or where you even were. How could I add Mary’s death to all of that?”

“And what about all the rest of this time? All this time telling me about yourself and our relationship, never thought that maybe once things calmed down enough for us to go on a fucking date that I could know she died?” 

“I couldn’t comfort you!” Cas blurted out finally.

“What the hell, Cas?” 

“You don’t know me and you needed to have someone here for you when you found out she was gone so that you didn’t have to go through it alone. So I waited until Sam came home. I did it for you.”

“Oh, I see. So you’re supposed to love me and everything, but you don’t think I’m strong enough to deal with things on my own. Is that it? Wow, you must think real highly of me, then.” 

“No one deserves to be alone when they find out they lost a parent, Dean. No one.” Cas stared at Dean for a moment, then turned on his heel and walked away. He didn’t know where he was going, but he couldn’t stay there right now. He grabbed his keys off the table by the door, then walked right out of the house. 

Cas got as far as his car. He sat down, buckled his seat belt, turned on the ignition, then lost all of what little composure he had left. The tears landed on his arms before Cas even knew they were falling. Everything was a mess now. Dean hated him, Sam was left to clean everything up and he had no idea where he was going to go for the night, but he didn’t think Dean would want to see him any time soon. He’d wait for Sam to call and say it was safe to come back.

He drove away from the house once he could see clearly, pushing away the rebellious tears. Not having a destination in mind, Cas drove around for hours and eventually found himself at a playground of all places. It was empty now, because most children were at home eating dinner with their families. He liked this park, though, because he and Dean sometimes ended up here late at night, just sitting on park benches talking for hours. Cas went over to their usual bench and took a seat, staring off at the empty swing sets and playground equipment before him. It felt emptier without Dean there next to him. 


	4. Chapter 4

Cas woke when his phone beeped to signify that he had voicemail. He groaned and stretched, feeling sore and tired. Sitting up in bed, he looked around for his phone and wondered where the hell he just woke up. It appeared to be a crummy motel room. Then he remembered last night, the fight with Dean, sitting in the park and then finding a motel to stay at for the night. He had briefly considered going into his office at the paper and sleeping on the couch, but he knew he’d never hear the end of it from Zach and Anna if they found him there the next morning.

The cell phone made another sound and Cas grabbed it to check the messages. He had two missed calls, one voicemail and three text messages, apparently, all from Sam. Cas decided to check the text messages first.

_Are you coming home tonight?_   12:05 am.

Cas sighed and opened the next two.

_Are you okay?_  7:32 am.

_Were gonna be at dads._  8:29 am.

Cas looked at the clock-radio on the nightstand, the time read 8:32, then he fell back into the bed and dialed the number for his voicemail, closing his eyes before listening to it.

“One new voice message from 11:52 pm. New voice message: Hey, Castiel, it’s Sam. Uh… so, Dean’s pretty pissed, but he finally cooled down and stopped yelling. Honestly, man, I think he’s more angry about losing Mom and all that time in between than he’s mad at you. I know he’ll come around. Just give him time, but Cas… you gotta come back. Don’t give up.” Cas opened his eyes and stared at the ceiling when the electronic voice came back saying, “End of message. No new messages.”

It was time to get out of bed and get moving. Since Dean and Sam wouldn’t be at the house, he knew he could go there and get cleaned up without any conflict or awkwardness, so that’s where he would start. As he thought back on last night and the last week, Cas decided that even if Dean was pissed off at him, he wouldn’t have done it any other way. He just hoped that he didn’t lose Dean’s trust — or Dean himself — in the process.

He left the motel, dropping off the room key on his way out and drove back to his home. The house was empty, other than Angus, and after greeting the dog, Cas made quick work of getting a bite to eat, showering and changing his clothes. With that all out of the way, it was time to face the music and go see Dean.

John answered the door when Cas showed up at the house. He gave a warm smile, clearly trying to comfort Cas.

“Come on in, boy.” John ushered him into the house with a hand on Cas’s shoulder.

“Thank you, John.” As he entered the house, Castiel looked around for Dean, both wanting to see him and afraid of what he would find when he did. Sam and Dean were sitting on the couch in the living room. Upon seeing Castiel walk in, Sam gasped, his eyes going wide and he nearly jumped off the couch.

“Hey! Cas! How are you?” Sam asked, but Cas didn’t get a chance to answer before Dean stood up and stalked out of the room. Sam called after his brother weakly, “Dean…”

Castiel drew his brows together and frowned at seeing Dean walk away from him as he did. With a sigh, he looked to Sam, helpless.

“Dude, just… try to go talk to him. Maybe, maybe something will work.”

John was still at Cas’s side and gave him a pat on the shoulder, “He’s hurting, Cas, you know as well as we do how to deal with that. Just ‘cause he doesn’t remember you doesn’t mean you don’t remember him.”

“Yeah…” Cas said softly, then followed after Dean. He knew where Dean would be: outside, standing on the deck looking out over the garden. If it hadn’t been 10:30 am he probably would have had a beer as well. Stepping out the back door, that’s just where Cas found him.

Dean glanced back over his shoulder to check who came to bother him, and when he saw Castiel he just turned his attention back to the yard, refusing to acknowledg him.

Cas closed his eyes, took a deep breath, then moved to stand beside Dean, giving him a foot of space between them. They both stood there silently for a time, Castiel collecting his thoughts while Dean pretended to ignore him.

“My mother died when I was 12 years old,” Cas said, finally.

Dean didn’t speak, but he did look over at Cas, and from the corner of his eye, Cas could see what seemed to be sympathy in Dean’s expression.

“I was home from school, working on my homework when a couple of police officers came to the door. They asked if my dad was home…” Cas scoffed a laugh and shook his head at that. “My dad was never home… he was always out drinking or gambling and claiming to be looking for a job. Anyway, I told the officers I was home alone and I remember they looked at each other like they were trying to decide what to say.” Cas swallowed, reining in emotions that were threatening to make themselves known.

“My mother had been at work, she left on her lunch break to run a few errands. When she went into the convenient store across the street, there was a robbery. Apparently she was the one who called the police about it, but the robbers saw her and killed her. The officers explained this to me, saying she saved lives by making that call.” He stared out over the grass in the backyard, then closed his eyes. “I was home alone for another hour before my little brother, Gabe, got home from the elementary school. I tried calling my father, but he never answered. I had to tell Gabe when he got home that mom was dead.”

“I’m sorry, man…” Dean said, softly.

“Yeah… me too. But I… Maybe you can understand why… I couldn’t let you be alone when you found out…”

Dean sighed and looked away from Cas. When he didn’t say anything, Cas chanced a glance over at him, only to find that Dean’s jaw was clenched and his hands were gripping the deck’s railing.

“Dean?”

“I wasn’t alone, Cas.”

“But you—”

“Yeah, don’t remember, I got that.” Dean rolled his eyes and turned to face Cas. “But I had you. You’re someone who, god only knows why, loves me, apparently. And I must have trusted you if I’ve been with you all this time. Cas, I can’t remember a relationship I had that lasted a year, never mind three and a half. I may not remember you, but I know myself, and you had to be someone special, you know? For it to last like this.”

“Dean…” Castiel felt simultaneously moved by Dean’s words and completely crushed by them.

“No, man. If you love someone, you don’t keep something like that from them. I get that you have a history with this stuff, but I don’t like being lied to.”

“I’m sorry, Dean.” Cas didn’t know what else to say. Explaining it would do no good, all he could do now was seek forgiveness.

“Well, you should be.” Dean’s mouth was set in a firm frown and his body was tense as he stood silent. He took a slow breath, then held out one arm, “Come here.”

“What?”

“Dude, how you found out about your mom? That royally sucks, come here.”

Confused, Cas moved towards Dean and was surprised when he was pulled him into a fierce hug. Giving in, Castiel hugged Dean back, burying his face against the taller man's shoulder. He knew that Dean was the one who deserved to be comforted right now, but it felt good to just be held by his lover again. To be held the way Dean used to hold him.

They stood that way for a long moment, both comforting one another and needing the comfort, themselves. Dean brought up a hand to run through Cas’s hair, combing his fingers through. It was a natural motion, one he always employed when comforting Cas, and it worked now. Cas felt himself relax for the first time since the fight and it almost felt like Dean was relaxing, too.

He lifted his head to look at Dean, about to apologize again, when he saw that Dean was crying. Cas raised a hand to cup Dean’s cheek, thumb brushing his tear away. “Dean…”

“My mom’s gone…” He managed to croak out the words. “And I don’t remember her last years…”

“Oh, Dean…” Cas shifted his hold on Dean, supporting him now. He held the back of Dean’s head as the taller man buried it against his shoulder. Cas did his best to comfort Dean in all the ways he knew how, stroking his hair and his back. He whispered to Dean, “It’s okay, I’ve got you, it’s alright.” Little kisses were pressed to his cheek and shoulder, to the top of his head.

Weeping turned to sobs and Dean clutched the back of Cas’ shirt, holding on for dear life. When he had finally let go of his anger, all that was left was his grief, and it was world-shattering. Cas gave up worrying about what to do and whether or not Dean remembered him. All that mattered now was helping Dean through this traumatic moment.

When the sobs subsided and Dean was left trying to get air through hitching breaths, Cas urged him upright again. He lifted both hands to Dean’s face and wiped away the tears that streaked his cheeks, then walked him over to one of the chairs on the deck and got Dean to sit down. Leaning over, he kissed Dean’s forehead, kissed his cheek, and then knelt down in front of Dean.

“You loved your mother, so, so much, and she knew that. Everyone knew it. You were always the best son to her that you knew how to be.” Cas ran a hand back through Dean’s hair and he closed his eyes at the feel of Castiel’s fingers.

“Did you meet her?” Dean asked quietly, not yet opening his eyes.

“I did, many times. We visited her and your father often. She was an extraordinary woman and very beautiful.”

“She was…” Dean agreed, having to swallow hard to choke back emotions.

~ ~ ~  
 _“What if she doesn’t like me?” Cas asked nervously._

_“Dude, why wouldn’t she like you? You’re dating her favorite son!” Dean grinned._

_“Because I’m dating her favorite son, maybe?”_

_“She’s going to love you, come on.” Dean parked the car and got out, ready to drag Cas to the house if he had to. They were having a barbeque tonight so that Castiel could Meet The Parents. Walking up to the door, Dean let them inside without bothering to knock. “Anybody home?”_

_“In the kitchen, honey!” Mary called to them. Dean flashed a smirk at Cas, who was scared shitless, and pulled him into the house._

_“Hey Mom!” Dean greeted happily, pulling his mother away from the veggies she was chopping to give her a big hug. Dean’s love for his mother filled Cas’ heart with warmth._

_“Hey hon,” She returned the hug briefly, then pushed Dean aside. “Is this him? Is this the Cas I’ve been hearing about?”_

_Dean teettered when his mother pushed him away and was comically offended, but he dropped the act upon hearing her question. “The one and only. Mom, meet Castiel. Cas, this is mom.”_

_“It’s a pleasure to meet you, Mrs. Winchester,” Cas spoke stiffly and handed forward a box of chocolate he bought for her._

_“Please, call me Mary.” She smiled and took the chocolates, thanked him, and set them on the counter. “It’s so good to finally meet you, Castiel!”_

_“You as well, Mrs— uh, Mary.” Cas glanced to Dean for reassurance and got a goofy wink and a thumbs up behind from him behind Mary’s back._

_“You’ve had such a good influence on Dean! He’s much happier since he’s been with you; it’s clear every time he comes to visit. He even offered to mow the lawn one day! Whatever you’re doing, keep it up!” She smiled._

_Castiel smiled, albeit shyly, and glanced at Dean, who was scratching the back of his head and looking away._

_“Dude, Mom, giving away secrets here.”_

_“It’s true, though,” She snickered._

_Dean rolled his eyes, “Where’s Dad? Out back?”_

_“Yes, he’s working on the grill. You’re welcome to go run away while I grill your boyfriend.” Mary hooked her arm around Castiel’s and pulled him into the kitchen. “Go on now, son.”_

_Dean seemed to take that moment to consider which was worse, hearing them talk about him or not being there to stop them. Deciding hiding was better, he took his leave, but not before warning his mother first._

_“Alright, but no embarrassing baby stories, okay?”_

_Mary laughed and shooed him away._

_Once the sound of the back screen door shutting could be heard, Cas turned back to Mary, “Embarrassing stories?” He arched a brow._

_“Oh, honey, you have no idea. Take a seat. We have lots to talk about.”_

_“I can help you cut those up while we talk, if you’d like?”_

_Mary beamed a smile at him and Cas knew instantly where Dean got his happy smile from._

_“I like you already, Castiel.”_  
~ ~ ~

“You both had the same smile,” Cas said, smiling at warm memories of Mary Winchester. “You were both so much alike, in a way.”

“Yeah?” Dean scoffed a laughed, finally open his eyes to look at Cas.

“Yes. Where Sam takes after John, you took after Mary. I think I even thanked her once for your good looks.” Cas smiled when that got another small laugh out of Dean.

“Almost wish I could have seen that…”

Cas looked down to hide his frown, “You did. You grinned that huge grin of yours and said, ‘Mom’s a babe and I stole all the hot genes before Sammy was born.’ And Sam said something about getting all the height genes, I think.”

“Friggin’ Moose,” Dean rolled his eyes. “Kid has no right being bigger than his big brother.”

That brought a smile back to Castiel’s lips and he met Dean’s eyes, “It’s okay, you’re still taller than me and I’m older than you.”

Dean seemed momentarily surprised at hearing that Cas was older than him, but he covered it up with a tiny smirk. “Yeah, well, you look cute that way.”

“Cute, huh?” Cas rolled his eyes.

“You prefer hot?”

“As a matter of fact, yes.”

“Well, you’re that, too.” Dean chuckled, then looked up to Castiel and cleared his throat. “So, uh… How old are you?”

“I’m 27,” Cas answered easily.

“And what year is it, again?” He scratched the back of his head.

“You’re 26, Dean.” Cas decided to save him the trouble of doing the math.

“Ah, right, ‘cause Sammy’s, what, like a junior in college now? Man! I missed his 21st birthday, didn’t I?”

“Just graduated." Cas corrected. "You got him so drunk on his 21st birthday that he was sick the entire following day, as I recall. You called out of work the next day, too. I don’t think either of you remembered what happened that night, regardless of amnesia.”

“Hell yes, sounds like I did it right.” Dean seemed triumphant.

Cas couldn’t help but chuckle at that, “Yes, you did. And I got to nurse you back to health the next morning.”

“You’re pretty good at that…” Dean reached up to take one of Cas’s hands in his own, “At nursing me back to health?” Eyes focused on the pair of hands, Dean ran his thumb along the back of Castiel’s.

“I’m alright at it, when you aren’t being too stubborn to let me help you.”

Dean laughed quietly at that. “I guess I am pretty stubborn about those things.”

“You just don’t like admitting there’s anything wrong.”

Dean just nodded, not having words to respond to that; Cas knew what was unspoken there, though. Dean spent his whole life pretending he was okay so that he would always be strong enough for his little brother. He always had that protective streak in him, even though both his parents were always there to take care of them, he had appointed himself Sam’s guardian at a young age and never looked back. So Dean always refused to admit he was sick or hurt or unwell until he was forced to admit it. Cas learned this all over the last few years they had been together.

“I love you, Dean… I’m sorry I lied to you…” Cas gave Dean’s hand a squeeze. “I was just trying to protect you, and yes, I know, you don’t need protecting, but when you love someone you want to protect them anyway. I did what I thought was best for you, and maybe I screwed that up, but… maybe you can forgive me for it eventually.”

There was a long silent moment that made Cas worry. Then, finally, Dean nodded and squeezed Castiel’s hand in return.

“I get it,” he said, running his free hand back through his hair. “I get it, Cas. I’m still kinda mad about the whole thing, but I’ll get over it. You’re hard to stay mad at like this.” Dean gave Cas a crooked smile.

“It’s my pretty blue eyes,” Cas said, joking as he matched Dean’s smile. “Sammy paved the way for me with sad puppy dog eyes and you always liked my eyes.”

Dean looked away, trying to hide the light blush that Cas’s words had given him. “Yeah, well, that’s cheap and Sammy’s a cheater.”

Cas laughed and stood up finally, kissing the top of Dean’s head and pulling him to stand as well, “We should go in, Sam and John will probably be worried we’re getting divorced or something.”

“Dad likes ya’ that much, huh?” Dean gave Cas a sidelong look, letting himself be pulled into the house by the hand Castiel still held. “Sammy I get, he probably started planning our Big Fat Gay Wedding from the first date, but dad?”

“I’m a good influence,” Cas shrugged. “What can I say? He likes me.” He was quiet for a moment and squeezed Dean’s hand once more, “They both liked me.”

“That’s good…” Dean looked down at the ground as they walked through the house towards the living room. Sam jumped up off the couch as they came in, eyes going straight to their hands.

“You guys made up? It’s gonna be okay?” Sam sounded ridiculously excited by this news and Cas caught Dean rolling his eyes.

“Yeah, Sammy, we’re fine. Don’t get out the puppy dog eyes and the guilt tripping.” Dean turned to his dad. “You know I wanted a baby brother, not a baby sister, right?”

John just shrugged, but he was smiling, obviously happy to see Dean and Castiel weren’t fighting. He chose to escape his sons’ bickering instead, “How about I make some lunch?”  

“Dude, shut up,” Sam said to Dean. “Just because I want to keep Cas as my almost-brother doesn’t make me a girl.”

“You just said ‘almost-brother,’ so I think it does.” Dean gave Castiel’s hand a final squeeze before letting it go and walking around the couch to flop down on it.

“Shut up.” Sam rolled his eyes and looked over to Cas. “Little help here?”

Cas held up his hands in surrender then leaned over, resting his forearms on the back of the couch near Dean, “I just got back on his good side, Sam, I can’t switch sides now.”

“Totally unfair,” Sam shook his head. “But whatever. I’m glad you two are alright.”

“Oh my God, Sam, can we please talk about something else?”

“Fine! Fine! …Jerk.”

“Bitch.” Dean looked off to the side like he was sulking, but the grin on his lips was undeniable. Cas just laughed at the two of them, glad to see their relationship hadn’t suffered much with the amnesia.

“I think I’ll go see if John needs any help with lunch,” Cas said, straightening from his lean on the couch.

Dean tipped his head back to look up at Cas, “You sure, dude?”

“Yeah, I like to help. Even if you’re the better cook.” He leaned down and kissed Dean’s forehead before he thought twice about it, then went off to the kitchen.

When Dean looked back, he must have caught Sam smiling at him, because the last thing Cas heard from the living room was an embarrassed Dean saying “shut up” followed by Sam’s laughter. Cas smiled to himself and walked into the kitchen. John was at the counter with bread and sandwich meat all laid out. Mary used to do all of the cooking, but John had since learned to fend for himself. It was a toss up between him and Dean as to who took her death the hardest, but the one thing the two men had in common was the way they hid their pain. Cas would probably never know how deeply hurt John had been.

“Need a hand?” Cas asked as he approached.”

A little surprised, John looked back over his shoulder and smiled, “Sure, Cas. This is Sammy’s, you can go ahead and start on yours and Dean’s if you want.” He pointed to a stack of empty plates on the counter.

Cas got to work making the sandwiches quietly. Sometimes he and John spent as much time together in silence as they spent talking.

After a minute or two, John spoke up, “So you two are good?”

“For the time being, yes.” Cas answered easily.

“How’s he doing?”

“He isn’t so mad at me, but I can tell he’s still upset. I don’t think he even got over it in the past year… Now it’s all fresh again, plus with the memory loss…” Cas sighed.

“It’s good you’re there for him.” John nodded. “Cause you’ve gotta be.”

“I know…” Cas focused on his work.

“I gotta agree with Dean today, that was kind of a dumb move you pulled, Cas, not telling him.”

“John.” His hands paused.

“No, I get why ya’ did it and I should have said so from the start, but I still think it was dumb. He’s gotta be able to lean on you, ‘cause he needs to lean on someone. If you wait and make him go to Sam for help, he isn’t going to learn to trust you again. You were there for him the first time, you have to be there for him this time.”

Cas was listening but he couldn’t meet John’s eyes. He swallowed hard against a lump in his throat that kept him from speaking.

“I don’t know where he would have been if not for you that first time, Cas. Probably as bad off as me. I just want my sons to do better than their old man.”

“Alright, John.” Cas managed, nodding. “I’m sorry…”

“Don’t apologize. Just don’t do anything stupid like that again.”

“Yes, sir…” Cas was quiet for a moment, trying to calm his heart back to a normal pace as he finished making Dean’s sandwich. Finally, he said, “John, if you ever need to talk…”

“Aw, save it, kid. Don’t worry about this old man, I got Bobby and and a bottle of Johnny Walker if I need to talk to someone.”

Cas frowned, “You know, your sons worry about you, too.”

“I wish they wouldn’t. I’m supposed to take care of them, not the other way around.”

“They wouldn’t be your sons if they didn’t care.”

“Alright, alright, quit the preaching. I’m about done with these touching movie moments.”

“Yes, sir,” Cas laughed as he said it this time, thinking about how, sometimes, Dean and John were actually quite a bit alike. He quickly finished making his own sandwich and gathered the plates, checking on John’s progress. “I’ll take these out and ask about drinks?”

“Sure, I’m almost done here, I’ll be right out.”

Cas took his and Dean’s plates back out into the living room, handing Dean his before dropping onto the couch beside him. He sat closer to Dean than he might have if it weren’t for the break down earlier. Dean happily took the plate, ogling the sandwich with desire.

“This looks awesome.” He said with a big grin. The sandwich, of course, had been piled high with meat and other toppings, to a ridiculous degree, just the way Dean liked it.

“Thank you, it’s the Dean Winchester Special.” Cas grinned, “Oh, anyone want anything to drink?”

“Water for me,” Sam said, frowning at his lack of plate.

“Uh, John is coming with your sandwich.”

“Is it too early for a beer?” Dean asked, having apparently lost all track of the time.

“Yes!” Sam said firmly. Cas, wisely, chose not to answer.

“Jeeze, Sammy, did you become a teetotaler or something?”

“No, Dean, but it’s too early for beer.”

“Hey, it’s five o’clock somewhere.”

“I’ll just get a few glasses of water…” Cas said casually, setting his plate down on the coffee table as he stood and retreated to the kitchen, passing John on the way.

After getting the water and coming back out, Cas paused in the doorway to the living room, leaning against the frame to watch as the three Winchesters sat talking and joking, being a family again. He just smiled as he watched them, up until Sam caught sight of him trying to carry three glasses at one time.

“Ah! Cas, let me give you a hand!” Sam jumped out of his chair and came to help him.

They all got settled in and ate lunch together, talking mostly about Sam’s time at college. He had to give John the updates about what went on this year and fill Dean in on more of the time in Sam’s life that he’d lost. After they finished eating, Cas had chanced leaning against Dean and had to smile when Dean put an arm around his shoulders. He caught the smile it gave Sam, which Dean had chosen to ignore.

They stayed until late afternoon, when Dean and Cas took their leave. Sam said he was going to stay at home for the night and hang out with John. Cas assumed it was just to give him and Dean some time alone, but no one was going to press him on it. Cas drove them back to the house where Angus was waiting patiently to be let out, so Dean took him outside while Cas refilled the dog’s water bowl. He joined Dean, who was frowning as he watched Angus hunt around their small backyard.

“You okay?” He stood beside Dean.

“Yeah, fine, I guess,” Dean said without much conviction.

“It will take time to get used to…” Cas brought a hand up to rest on Dean’s back and the man smiled weakly.

“I just didn’t expect anything like that to happen, you know? She’s my mom… she was supposed to be around for a long time.”

“I know.” And he did know. “I still thought my mom was invincible when she died.”

They stood there silently for a time. Angus was sniffing at everything in the yard, finding himself the perfect spot, the way dogs do. Dean shifted then, moving closer to Cas to wrap an arm around his waist and hug him sideways. He hooked his arm around Dean’s upper back, resting his head on one shoulder and his hand on the other. Dean turned so they were facing one another and embraced him properly, lowering his head to rest on top of Castiel’s and holding on like Cas was his anchor. Perhaps he was Dean’s anchor, if not consciously.

Maybe some muscle memory told him, or maybe Dean was just falling in love with Cas all over again. Whatever the case may be, Cas clung to Dean, held him steady and kept him safe until he was ready to move again. It wasn’t until Angus came bounding up and nuzzling Dean’s legs that he broke away as if nothing happened and smiled down at the dog. Dean reached out a hand and rubbed the top of Angus’s head, grinning broadly. “Finally found the perfect spot, huh?”

The dog woofed at them and trotted to the door that Cas held open for them. Back inside, Cas made for the kitchen and Dean went to the living room to stretch out on the couch.

“It’s late enough for that beer now, if you want,” Cas called out to him. “Sam isn’t here to complain.”

Dean’s laugh answered him first, “You really do love me, don’t you.”

Cas smiled to himself and grabbed two beers, opening them before he went to the living room. Dean was settled in the corner of the couch, shoes kicked off and legs stretched out along the length of it.  After handing him one of the beers, Cas used his free hand to urge Dean to lift his legs up, sat down, and dropped Dean’s legs across his lap. The action made Dean laugh, which in turn made Cas grin stupidly at him.

“If you’re going to hog the couch, I get to steal space. That is the rule. Even Angus follows it.”

“Hey, it’s fine with me,” Dean grinned, getting comfortable, then taking a drink of his beer.

Cas sipped at his own beer, letting one hand rest on Dean’s leg, thumb idly tracing circles over it. The silence fell over them again, but it was mostly comfortable. Cas let his mind wander over what had happened the last week and a half. It felt like his whole life had been turned on its head and the pieces were just now starting to take shape as he tried to put them back into place. It seemed like Dean liked him now, at least, once they got past the drama of last night and this morning.

They were making progress before the incident and maybe they would get back to that place again. However, Dean was hurting in a big way. The death of his mother had been a hard one even with memories intact. He knew Dean was goofing around and smiling because it was the only way he kept himself together. The moments, like out on the deck at John’s house and in the backyard moments ago, were how Dean was really feeling. And all Castiel could do is be there for him when those moments came up. It’s what he did before and what he would do again.

“You know, you look better when you smile,” Dean’s voice broke Cas out of his revere.

“What?” He looked over at Dean, surprised.

“You’ve got, like, the longest face and the deepest frown going on there, Cas. You could rival Sam with a look like that. What’s going on?”

Cas shook his head and smiled at Dean, “Just thinking too much, I guess.”

“Well, clearly you should stop thinking about whatever is making you frown like that.” Dean gave Cas a sage look, then tipped his beer back to drink.

“I was thinking about you.”

Dean nearly choked on his beer, “Well, damn, Cas, I hope you don’t always frown like that when you think about me. That could give a guy a complex.”

“Not always, no. Not even most of the time. Just when I’m worried about you.”

“Well, quit worrying. I think there’s probably been enough of that for today. And way the hell too many chick flick moments.”

Cas just started laughing, “Your dad said something very similar to me earlier.”

“Did he really?” Dean’s brows drew upwards. “When?”

“When we were making sandwiches, I was telling him that we worry about him, too. I mean, you, me and Sam worry about him sometimes. He told me we shouldn’t worry and also that he’d had enough of our tender movie moment.”

Dean chuckled and shook his head, “Yeah, I guess I got his stubborn side and Sammy got mom’s sharing and caring side.”

Cas gave Dean’s leg a comforting squeeze at the mention of Mary. “You got her smile, though, and her loving side. She was a strong woman, especially in that household of men, all of whom are giants.”

“Yeah…” Dean’s eyes focused on his beer bottle, prying up the label with his thumb nail.

They both fell silent again, this time Dean staring at his beer and Cas watching Dean. When he felt too uncomfortable in this silence, searching for something to say, Cas spoke up.

“Want to order some Chinese take out for dinner?” Neither of them had eaten dinner and it was too early to just go to bed. “We could watch a movie and sit here and eat… Just sort of, take it easy.”

Dean chuckled and gave a nod, “Yeah, sure. Sounds good.”

“Okay, I’ll order the usu—” Cas stopped and cleared his throat, “Uh, what we usually get. Which is General Tso, sesame chicken, chicken fried rice and some low mein. Is… that okay?”

“Yeah, no, that sounds perfect. So that’s our usual? Not a lot of veggies in that.” Dean was smiling.

“I think we already covered that whole ‘I really do love you’ thing, this is part of why you really do love me, too. Or did anyway. Will again, hopefully.”

“You make a pretty convincing argument in your favor there, Cas.” Dean was looking at his bottle again as he said that, but he was smiling this time in a way that looked distinctly shy.

“I’m really glad.” He patted Dean’s legs so the man would let him up, then got the phone and ordered their food. They flipped through channels looking for a movie, since Dean had four years worth of movies to watch now, as they waited for the food to arrive.

They stayed on the couch as they ate the food, sitting close to one another the whole while. Conversation mostly revolved around the movie on the TV. Dean was making comments about who he liked or didn’t like and how cool the action sequence was and Cas was laughing at his comments and joining in with his own. It was a pleasant evening and a nice distraction for Dean from thoughts of his mother.

After the movie ended and the pair of them cleaned up the living room, putting the remaining Chinese food in the fridge, there was a moment of hesitation as they both headed towards the hallway. Dean looked down the way to the guest room, then back to Cas, who was heading towards their once-shared bedroom.

“If you… if you want to stay with me tonight, that’s — I’d be okay with that. We don’t have to — it could be really casual — I —”

“Cas.” Dean mercifully cut him off from the babbling. “Yeah.” Then without saying any more, Dean moved past Castiel into the bedroom.

Standing in the hallway, half shocked, Cas felt his heart beating hard in his chest. He quickly moved in after Dean, closing the door as he went and telling himself that nothing was going to happen. Dean probably just needed company, was tired of sleeping alone; maybe he was making an effort to be closer to Cas, or get used to the idea. All these thoughts and more ran through his head as Castiel undressed for the night, trying to ignore the fact that his hands were shaking slightly.

He hadn’t been this nervous about sharing a bed with someone since he was a teenager and this was Dean for crying out loud. Dean was as confident as ever, or appeared so, anyway. Cas couldn’t help but steal a guilty look at him as he undressed. Understanding of the situation he may be, but he was still a man and still missed the touch of Dean’s hands, the feel of his body. Cas had to close his eyes, look away and take a slow breath, reminding himself to be good.

Changing quickly, Cas put on a pair of night pants, deciding to put a few extra layers between them, but that a shirt as well would be too hot. He noticed, with a pit in his stomach, that Dean was only wearing boxers as he climbed into the bed. Moving to the other side, Cas got under the blankets and left a respectful space between them. Cas curled on his side, facing Dean and let his arm stretch out into the empty space. It was casual, just the way Cas slept, but it was a convenient invitation, nonetheless.

An invitation that Dean accepted, as he settled in for the night. Laying on his side, facing Cas, Dean reached out and set his hand in Castiel’s. Fingers closed around his hand and their eyes met. They were joined by the mutual pain of loss in that moment: Dean for his mother and Cas for Dean. They shared the need for comfort. Cas brought Dean’s hand to his lips and kissed the back of it softly, lingering there for a moment before settling their hands between them once again. He caught the smile on Dean’s lips as the other man closed his eyes to fall asleep. Deciding that this was enough, Cas closed his eyes and let sleep take him away. It had been an incredibly long and emotional day, but Castiel started his day in some unknown motel and was glad to be ending it here at home, in bed with Dean.


End file.
